Archives for posts with tag: the mind


i think somewhere beside waterfalls or bear caves or rivers you took a piece of my heart. now you have it with you wherever you are and my only longing is to be reunited with it, to hold you. i don’t want to own you, i just want you to let me love you when you can.

anger
take off our photos we can’t be associated with your lifestyle [that you’re choosing]
i hope things go well for you but i don’t think they will
we’re not rejecting you
you rejected us
i still love you
sadness

i know you’re going to be okay on this journey and a bright success because you’ve proven that you truly love yourself, and by that love you shed light on the path of light & truth for those that can’t see it so clearly.
keep loving yourself and finding new ways to bring more love to yourself and you will always have love for life, others, and this universe of ours that is in a perfect & beautiful balance of order & chaos.
and when it seems like there’s only chaos, remember that you’re not only fighting for yourself but all of us are fighting with you. ❤

i feel like i'm getting sucked back into a race with no finish line. i've tried very hard to insulate myself from this kind of chaos but it's an ongoing struggle. sometimes all we have left is hope. is that enough? how do you hold onto it?

i can't stand being in an office. they're like zoos with caged humans. so i try to break free and go to a park. go somewhere open & free. with sun & breeze.
i can feel when i've lost everything and the only thing to do to survive is go out there and find hope again. nature is full of hope.

the perspective where lips meet glass.

i now have in my sights
that there are new songs to write
new wings take flight

life can be really complicated sometimes, and relationships most of all. or maybe everything is actually really simple, but we get in the way of that. in any case, the only way the writing on the wall could be any clearer [to me] is if it were up in bright blinking neon lights. but sometimes the only way is the hard way.
the truth is i'm not the one with a decision to make. it had already been made for me, long ago, and i've never maintained any different. but i respect the journey of everyone i meet, and these days part of my joy comes from watching what those i love create. except when they create pain, then i'm left in a quandary. cause even pain has its purpose. pain is catalyst for growth & change.

rarely can we protect people from themselves. but we can protect ourselves.

reading it is one thing, but since we only see what we're prepared to see, acceptance is the challenge.

need to write a post about sin. (possibly using an aspect of the nature on the farm)

we have these funny spiders on the farm. actually we have lots of spiders and some aren't as comical as these, but i find these ones amusing because they live in the pine trees and they spin just a line or two down from the branches in the late evening to catch the tiny bugs and moths that fly around at night. in the morning you can watch them reeling up their catch, taking them high up into their webs in the trees. their lines are nearly invisible and it's easy to walk into them by accident but they're really strong. sometimes if you notice one of the spiders it'll appear like they're just floating along in the thin breezy air. until they start to move with a purpose and then you see how agile & in control they are.

psychology is the art of understanding & helping others balance and heal the amalgam of their past & present experiences, surroundings, relationships, emotions and current reality, with the objective of growing in healthy & harmonious ways for a more happy, productive, rewarding & fulfilling future.

children's book with g & m
target demographic
internal issues
conflicts & struggles
what can be understood
coping.relating mechanisms
beneficial concepts
activities & ideas to support
development & acceptance
bullying
tolerance
gender roles & fluidity
love
family structures
not just for children of gay parent(s)
for all children.

sometimes knowledge has a vacuum effect. the more you learn about something the more you find you really know less than when you started.

this babbling brook, my breath it took
when first i saw its ripples
the water so warm
my clothes i'd shorn
and waded right up to my nipples

truth is an expensive freedom,
abundance of want is its cost.

well, you know what it was like growing up in ohio in the 80s i guess…and i grew up in a very small conservative town in an extremely fundamentalist christian family. i tried for a long time to pray the gay away. in the meantime i also wanted to get the hell out of ohio. so when i was 19 i met a woman.


poem/lyrics about my needs & desires – masc & fem – to be held & to hold. gender roles & traits.

i walk along that trail, the slightly overgrown one in a misty autumn forest, where i've walked many times before
it leads down to a pebbly river bank
the waters look serene there,
cascading over bulging mossy boulders
they call to me gently
as if they know my name
as if they have a purpose for me
i wade in up to my heart
and the so well-hidden current engulfs me
it moves me quickly downstream around river-bends
i can't fight it anymore
waterfall

i wish i had a "cemetery" of sorts, where i could place all of the fallen loves of my past to rest in deep graves. no one would have to mow around them, just let the nature engulf the tombs.

i see myself walking up the path to the cow field, the afternoon golden light showering the fields and horizon, showering me. the wind flows across my scarf & hoodie sweater with the cool fall air. i'm staggering a little, cigarette in one hand. loving every second of just being.
a strong earthy voice calls out to me from the porch of the farmhouse as if it were the gravel beneath my feet, "come here you ol'hippie."

the good times we miss
the heat in our chests
the ice on our faces
the passing of time erases
the doubts from my mind
thursday turkey
try to unwind
and the beat is kind
the sun shines on

[b]anal fixation.

little girl asking father how we got down on the rock. as if that's the only question.

someday you might love me.
someday you might realize this was all about learning, openness, acceptance.
someday you might be ready to move on.
relationships never last and they never stay the same. they are born, they are lived, they evolve, and they die. just like the people who are in them. over and over again. sometimes they last a long time. sometimes they're very brief.

it's a walk in the art. you are art. what is your art? a smile could be right around the corner. a hug could be right around the corner. your day is getting brighter. this is for you. you're here among friends. your life is a canvas. paint true. your imagination is soaring. you are your masterpiece. deprogram your mind. conserve. coexist. try new things. question everything. what's the worst that would happen if: you let go of your fears? you saw me as i see you? we learned to tolerate each-other?

when it's not okay, but not as bad as it could be. #lukewarm

i don't want to be brushed & shrugged away with a grimacing face. i did that long enough. fuck that.
i won't pretend to be in an intimate relationship where even basic intimacy is an ongoing daily struggle. i don't have the time, patience or energy for that anymore.

i'm not ready to make plans yet. a lot has happened the past ten days or so and i haven't been sleeping well, i don't feel like myself and i need some space to get a healthier perspective. making sacrifices for the good of a relationship is one thing but losing yourself in it is another and i am not myself right now. i'm moody, anxious, angry, flaking on my friends, not sleeping, feeling very emotionally & sexually frustrated and that's not who i am. i've worked very hard to create a loving, peaceful & tranquil environment and state of mind and i feel like i'm losing that. i'm not breaking up with you, but i need a few days to get back to myself and make sure i'm making the best choices for my happiness & future.

i've already been here. i wasted years of my life here. not sure how i got back here but the scenery is the same and i think it's time to move on before i become a permanent resident.

love is the fruit from the relationship seeds we plant, feed, & care for.

don't just tell me you're sorry, explain to me what happened and what you were thinking at the time. i need to feel reassured that you understand the issues we're having.


when your being is an orchestra, sex is a symphony.

i hope all your dreams come true
i hope no one you love
ever lies to you

perspective is perspective, truth is truth, they are not the same. write about love, and how we never promised eachother anything else. write about writing and write about music. write about faith, write about demons. write about growth and magic. you're letting unresolved anger tell a story that only shadows reality. write about how jealousy is a destroyer.

we can go back for a year
or back years in our head
when you were alive
when you were dead
it follows a trend
the love that you send
the words that you've penned
and in the end there is no end
just another road
with another bend

"here, beneath my lungs…"

by JTW
©2013 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.


he awakens to a dark sky
and heads out to the station
in a strange world, not a kind place
on rusty wheels & desperation

she was fifteen, he spoke in lyrics
that she barely understood
the loneliest flowers are plucked from strings
on guitars made of wood

it was midnight in late september
not many knew his name
he was quiet, he had a question
every actor seeks his fame

on the railroad car redemption
they sit & wait for dawn
a sun that rises over mountains
only seen when clouds are gone
no ticket bears exemption
when there’s nothing left to pawn
free water in the fountains
down the line they move along

she awakens in a cold house
and she loves him like relation
in the wrong world, not a kind place
where a mirror’s your salvation

he was fifty, she had the right face
that kind that’s pure & good
the loneliest flowers are plucked by hands
that simply knew they could

it was morning in late september
not everyone can be the same
he was quiet, he gave the answer
more than happy to take the blame

on the railroad car redemption
they sit & wait for dawn
a sun that rises over mountains
only seen when clouds are gone
no ticket bears exemption
when there’s nothing left to pawn
free water in the fountains
down the line they move along

“my beloved do you blame me?”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

i’ve been thinking a lot today about how we humans have a funny way of dealing with unbalanced fears & anxieties. we tend to go through this internal dialogue over them that often sabotages our happiness more than it propels us into action that could have truly positive results. it’s a great way to stay exactly where you are.

this morning on “the farm” i was sitting pleasantly with my coffee and watching my daughter ride her bike around in the yard. her shriek snapped me out of a meditation & interrupted the flow of a conversation i was having. there was a snake, a big one!

snakes are actually very peaceful beings for the most part. they typically have no desire to hurt humans and their behavior is rarely aggressive. and yet i have to admit i’m still kind of intimidated by them. so at first i was leery of getting too close. but as we stood there and watched it for awhile i started to appreciate how beautiful it really was and my fear of it slowly dissipated. i think it felt the same way because after a few minutes it just gracefully continued on its path towards a pine tree then slowly up the tree until it stretched out and rested on a low branch. at that point i walked right up beside it and talked to it for a while. (mhmm, yep, i talk to animals. if you don’t you should try it sometime. if nothing else it will probably make you laugh.) that tree is its home during the day.

it wasn’t the first time i’ve seen the snake. a few days ago it was farther down the lane warming itself on the asphalt. i was much more afraid of it then, deliberately going out of my way to stay far away from it and i even grabbed a stick to defend myself lest it jump up & strike me. :ROFL:

but really it’s not that funny at all. our fears that have more basis in potentiality than reality often make us do crazy things like that and give us great emotional turmoil. i’m glad that today when the snake presented itself i was able to hear its true message, which was nothing to fear at all.

snakes are powerful & beautiful creatures that have a transformative life cycle, similar in some ways to the butterfly [and humans]. they don’t hold onto things that weigh them down, they shed them and emerge renewed & sleeker. they are also very balanced, active & cunning in moonlight and peaceful & restorative in sunlight. they perceive life through an uncommon lens and they know how to use all their senses to understand their surroundings on a more comprehensive, balanced level. in their own unique way snakes are very loving.

it actually doesn’t take a lot of strength to overcome fears & anxieties about things that haven’t even happened yet. it just takes the ability to hear your soul’s voice a little louder than the voice of your own unfounded reasoning & doubt. it takes a wider perspective & less narrow belief system.

our hopes & fears are wound tightly together on a spiritual level. when we encounter opportunities our beliefs usually determine whether we move forward or stay the same. our beliefs can only change by changing our perspective. the perspective we need is out there, all around us. sometimes it’s the snake in a tree – a being of love & beauty. whether we accept it as such, well that’s the choice we each make every day.

“it will take more than an argument…so why keep trying?”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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