i don’t depend on people the way others do and i don’t love in any mainstream sense of the term, the way you see in movies or hear about from your great-grandparents. i don’t have the same emotional insecurities i meet in people on a regular basis. i’m very independent emotionally and i can love regardless of gender, age or appearance. i’ve never met a person that had enough room to hold all of my love.
i used to think that conditioning made me this way. after all, if that were true then it could be undone and i could be “normal.” but i’ve been loved by someone who knows me so deeply they can differentiate the nuances of my yawns, and what they mean. that has to be true love and yet it isn’t enough to harness my soul. in fact i buck at such harnesses like a wild bronco who will not be tamed by anyone and yet is tame, and will even let you ride – as long as it’s on an endless white sand beach, bareback, with nothing to grasp onto but its mane and the strength you must summon from your own legs. this is a personal truth i’ve had to come to terms with and is something that has to be accepted by those who choose to stay in my life. unconditional love is the only kind i know to give, and it’s what i must demand.
at one point not that long ago i weighed nearly 300 pounds. i had been yo-yo’ing for years trying everything known to man from atkins’ to stimulants to slimfast. but about two years ago i started consistently losing weight without any effort and without the use of drugs or dieting. i was the type of person that unconsciously gathered & layered insecurities around me. fear & guilt went straight to my hips, so to speak.
i’ve lost almost 100 pounds and for the first time in six years i’m a couple weeks away from being below 200. i can’t express how amazing it feels to be in size 11 & 12 jeans. it feels so good because it is a reflection of how i now feel on the inside. for me, it represents the loss of so much more than inches. it represents the abandonment of fear, anger, regret, codependency, and the acceptance of my true inner being. it’s an outward symbol of letting go of everything; in a sense, dying to what was just a shadow of what truly is.
i have no specific weight-loss goal, i’m just enjoying the release. and when i eventually “plateau” it will be amazing to finally see the physical manifestation of “me” in its most authentic & natural form.
oh, and exercise? i recommend communing with nature at every possible moment and dancing in the middle of the night on your back patio. you have a back patio, right?
i’ve been on more than a few psychiatric medications over the past decade or so. in fact, i used to be a huge proponent of them. i highly recommended their use to anyone else who needed to hide from the real issues and who were too afraid to face certain truths. but that is no longer what i believe. i have been free from psychiatric “medications” for about two years and i don’t think i ever could have accepted the truths i’ve come to know and made the decisions i had to make if i hadn’t stopped them. now i know some who read this will balk at my conclusions and be quick to throw all kinds of scientific data about chemical imbalances and mental/emotional imperfections at me. but i’ve already read them and the fact is it just doesn’t change my personal experience. remember this blog is primarily about my journey and the philosophies that work for me. maybe yours or someone you know is different. that’s certainly likely. however, in my experience there is very little that can’t be truly cured (not just ignored or sedated) by improving one’s lifestyle, accepting certain truths about oneself and life in general, or by something natural that you could grow in the ground & harvest with your own two hands. i’ve now come to believe that, for the most part, to be physically & mentally healthy is intrinsically tied to the authenticity & health of one’s inner being & the universal harmony of one’s belief system.
half the battle of being happy is maintaining the innocence you have when you’re [re]born and the other half is separating the bullshit heaped upon you by well-meaning loved ones & villains alike, from the truth of your own path.
“be yourself, don’t hide…”
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.