Archives for posts with tag: purpose

i don’t depend on people the way others do and i don’t love in any mainstream sense of the term, the way you see in movies or hear about from your great-grandparents. i don’t have the same emotional insecurities i meet in people on a regular basis. i’m very independent emotionally and i can love regardless of gender, age or appearance. i’ve never met a person that had enough room to hold all of my love.

i used to think that conditioning made me this way. after all, if that were true then it could be undone and i could be “normal.” but i’ve been loved by someone who knows me so deeply they can differentiate the nuances of my yawns, and what they mean. that has to be true love and yet it isn’t enough to harness my soul. in fact i buck at such harnesses like a wild bronco who will not be tamed by anyone and yet is tame, and will even let you ride – as long as it’s on an endless white sand beach, bareback, with nothing to grasp onto but its mane and the strength you must summon from your own legs. this is a personal truth i’ve had to come to terms with and is something that has to be accepted by those who choose to stay in my life. unconditional love is the only kind i know to give, and it’s what i must demand.

at one point not that long ago i weighed nearly 300 pounds. i had been yo-yo’ing for years trying everything known to man from atkins’ to stimulants to slimfast. but about two years ago i started consistently losing weight without any effort and without the use of drugs or dieting. i was the type of person that unconsciously gathered & layered insecurities around me. fear & guilt went straight to my hips, so to speak.

i’ve lost almost 100 pounds and for the first time in six years i’m a couple weeks away from being below 200. i can’t express how amazing it feels to be in size 11 & 12 jeans. it feels so good because it is a reflection of how i now feel on the inside. for me, it represents the loss of so much more than inches. it represents the abandonment of fear, anger, regret, codependency, and the acceptance of my true inner being. it’s an outward symbol of letting go of everything; in a sense, dying to what was just a shadow of what truly is.

i have no specific weight-loss goal, i’m just enjoying the release. and when i eventually “plateau” it will be amazing to finally see the physical manifestation of “me” in its most authentic & natural form.

oh, and exercise? i recommend communing with nature at every possible moment and dancing in the middle of the night on your back patio. you have a back patio, right?

i’ve been on more than a few psychiatric medications over the past decade or so. in fact, i used to be a huge proponent of them. i highly recommended their use to anyone else who needed to hide from the real issues and who were too afraid to face certain truths. but that is no longer what i believe. i have been free from psychiatric “medications” for about two years and i don’t think i ever could have accepted the truths i’ve come to know and made the decisions i had to make if i hadn’t stopped them. now i know some who read this will balk at my conclusions and be quick to throw all kinds of scientific data about chemical imbalances and mental/emotional imperfections at me. but i’ve already read them and the fact is it just doesn’t change my personal experience. remember this blog is primarily about my journey and the philosophies that work for me. maybe yours or someone you know is different. that’s certainly likely. however, in my experience there is very little that can’t be truly cured (not just ignored or sedated) by improving one’s lifestyle, accepting certain truths about oneself and life in general, or by something natural that you could grow in the ground & harvest with your own two hands. i’ve now come to believe that, for the most part, to be physically & mentally healthy is intrinsically tied to the authenticity & health of one’s inner being & the universal harmony of one’s belief system.

half the battle of being happy is maintaining the innocence you have when you’re [re]born and the other half is separating the bullshit heaped upon you by well-meaning loved ones & villains alike, from the truth of your own path.

“be yourself, don’t hide…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

i like to sit out on my patio on clear nights and look up at the stars. something in the clarity of their bright luminescence always seems to make me think about the clarity of my own path-past, present & future. somewhere in that contrast between the light & the dark there is a void that i can feel – an expanse of unknowns and alternate possibilities, a place of questions.

in my humble history as a bloggist this is the longest i’ve gone without publishing a new post. my momentum had been slowing for a good six months and at first it bothered me a great deal. i had become accustomed to the nearly manic & constant flow of inspiration of the previous 24 months or so. i had a lot to say, and sometimes i even said it. but then something started to change inside me. all of that time i spent alone, writing and thinking, was like the time a caterpillar spends cocooning in metamorphosis. and when it was over something new emerged, or not something new exactly, for a butterfly is still the same caterpillar, and yet it’s so much more. so i became comfortable with not publishing anything because i was too busy soaring. this was an amazing & beautiful change to the free-fall trajectory i had been in.

in the wake of its transformation a butterfly gets to experience life again from new perspectives, with new adventures, new challenges, and new potential. it felt very much like that to me and i think in order for my story to continue here my environment had to catch up with my inner reconciliations.

one of the most wonderful blessings of what i’ve experienced the past few months is the peace i feel. peace rooted in a kind of universal balance that lets me know everything is okay, everything is perfect. there is wondrous mystery & hope in a starry sky, but each & every star is right where it’s meant to be. so am i, and that’s a huge relief.

so you may be wondering if this new post means my dry-spell is finally over. i guess time will tell. one thing is for sure though: i have a lot more to say. indeed, a lot more needs to be said.

“i’m changin’ everything…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

i should have plenty of muse these days. after all, i reached the holy grail! i chased that thing that i thought i needed and that would define the next chapter of my life. and i caught it. see, isn’t it gorgeous?

okay, now what?

i’ve written at least three “first posts of the new year” and haven’t published them. i haven’t published much of anything lately. probably won’t publish this. ha! and i haven’t been tweeting profound or comical #sixwords. haven’t been reading too many of the blogs i usually follow. i don’t think i’m depressed, just relatively uninspired. apathetic.

also in a way i feel like i’ve already written it. nothing seems new anymore. i think that’s the downside of knowledge & growth sometimes. unless the answers inspire more questions it seems almost pointless to come to any firm conclusions, at least from an artistic standpoint. and so i have to wonder if i’m just missing the new questions. am i ignoring them? have i forgotten how to listen?

submerged in a mire
obsessed, i sought every distraction…

i know expectations have stolen away some of the magic. expectations from others but mostly my own. i miss the anonymity of writing under pseudonym. i miss the fun and tragic necessity. now i find myself questioning the quality and interpretation of everything i write, so instead of posting i’m just putting them in “the vault.” if i even get that far.

so something has to change. i need new revelation. i need to write for me again. and i need to find that voice again. it’s too late to go back to writing anonymously, although that is very tempting. but that seems like a step backwards instead of forward. no, i think i need to continue my journey right here. i put my name on it so that i couldn’t run, and i won’t.

sorry, i don’t really have any optimistic & heartening words to start off 2012 with. i don’t have any beautiful dreams, tragic romance or painful humanity to paint for you today. and i might not for awhile.

i’m just a boy with an old raggedy leather-bound journal & a dull pencil. sometimes when i sit by the river i jot down words that bloom in my mind like mysterious seedlings, swept here by the wind, caught in a barely moist rocky cold place.

i hope it makes them feel pretty to find a home.

“hold on to everything you own that owns you too…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

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