Archives for posts with tag: mountains

being gay is as normal as it is for the grass to be green and the sky to be blue, that is what i told him, something that i had to learn and accept myself not that long ago.

i have held back a lot of writing, buried it in the vault or tagged it in ambiguous metaphor. but this healing, this relationship, is as much about me as it is about him. it’s inexorably tied to my art & purpose.

relationships are always our greatest mirrors and if we’re honest with ourselves we will uncover the truths & meaning in each and every one of them, be it a parent, a child, a friend, a lover, or a lifelong companion.

nature is fragile but it has a way of persisting, sometimes in the wildest & darkest sanctuaries. we are in our sanctuary, you & me. and they may not understand, they may not approve, and they may judge us. but we will survive because that is who we are and the love we harness every day is the most powerful force in the universe. we’re a team, and i’m so thankful for you.

she has been sick for months but i really didn’t realize the gravity of it until this past week when i got to see her with my own eyes & hold her in my arms.

my sister is one of the strongest people i know, although she doesn’t fully know it herself. she is a single parent of two small children, one of whom is very ill. she works at a stressful job and on top of all that she is going to school to try to make a better life for herself and her family. i don’t think she has any idea how much i admire her strength and i don’t think she realizes how her unconditional love has taught me so much and even possibly saved my life. but i owe her a lot and i hope to somehow repay that debt.

i have the closest thing to a soulmate in you. you are my balance, my truth and many times, my sanity. you are an amazing woman and without you i would never have made it this far. your love is brilliant and everyone who truly knows you has tasted its light. you have been there for me when no one else was at some of the darkest moments i have ever experienced.

our journey could be a 3-part movie already and it’s only in its infancy. or maybe it has come full circle. but that’s the thing with you & me – at the dead-end of each road is a secret little path, an overgrown trail, filled with berry bushes & butterflies. one of us always sees it.

you are an amazing teacher, and probably the only one who knows all that i went through for so long and understands that part of my life from a first-hand perspective, from a front row seat.

even though i’ve not always been the best communicator you never judged me for that, you just kept showing me love and patience while i figured things out on my own. and you never let me forget that there was hope and another way. you kept truth in front of me until i was strong enough to reach out and grab it by myself. you believed in my art.

sometimes you make me laugh inside with the “crazy” things you say. sometimes the truth of what you say stings. and every once in awhile you go just a tad overboard.

but the fact is that we have gone through things that no one else can ever fully understand. and you have been a part of my life for the past ten years that i am grateful for and that no one else could have played as elegantly or profoundly. we will be friends and a support for each-other always. and we will make sure she has the best chance possible.

and you are thousands of miles away now, but with me in my dreams, and a powerful force that leads me by example each day. this past fall, winter & spring you showed me how to love myself and how to live in authenticity & truth despite the shit life throws at us and the people that judge us. you accepted everything about me effortlessly and taught me to wave my freak flag high. you made me believe in the power of spirit, our collective-consciousness and a better world.

all those nights we spent watching crazy movies, painting our nails, reading our cards, talking, supporting each-other, the hikes we took, the drives we took, the scotch we drank – everything we did together – it changed my life in a way i will never forget and that i am deeply thankful for. you are a kindred spirit and i love you like i love my own daughter.

there is so much more to say and it will be said. so many more experiences & people that have touched my life. but as i finish this post a cricket appeared out of nowhere to rest on top of my monitor. he’s just chilling there, no worries, no fear. i’m in my living room.

you see, i live in a place now where there can be no fear, with people just as fearless as this land is. here there is only peace, serenity & love, because that is what our own survival and the universe demands. it’s a fight and it is hard at times. so hard that we just have to burst into laughter sometimes or we’d shrivel up & die. but if you spent a night here by our fire, under these stars, and if you felt the way these mountains hold us, you would know no fear and you would know our love.

you should join us.

“i’ll be here patiently waiting…”

for j, m, d, k, c & r. and for me.

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

there are some truths buried so deep inside ourselves that they can only be reached by detonating all of the rock we so meticulously accumulate in hopes of protecting ourselves – when we realize what we thought was a shelter is actually a prison.

i don’t believe anyone has to accept that kind of sentence. but i’ll be the first to admit that the child inside me is content to put bright red-colored curtains over that tiny square barred window & call it my home. truly repressing and totally dismissing memories is an art easily learned as a child. i believe that is where it began and i finally found the proof i had been looking for.

so yes, there are reasons we are who we are that we have absolutely no control over. and that is very scary because the way to deal with them is elusive. we can observe them, we can fight them, we can forget them, we can hide them or we can accept them. we can place them in the forefront and put a sparkly top coat over them for everyone to see. but there is nothing we can do to make it any easier.

i don’t want to be that bitter, angry person that could never find the courage to face the demons left by those that trod on our hearts. i don’t want to keep burning the bridges that propel me forward. going back sometimes isn’t a bad thing. in fact it’s critical if you want to solidify your identity. for humans life seems so linear, but it isn’t at all. it’s organic & we are beautiful, but not without our roots. all the fruit on the tree is dependent on the roots we can’t see, and even what’s beyond that. it has everything to do with our ability to love.

“the harder you look, the more you’ll find…”

an archetype of love & beauty
she came to me
with universal mystery
shaping starry destiny
opening doors & setting free
no treasure map
no lock
no key

time’s true nature is apparent
each snowflake that falls
becomes the ocean
the sky
us
belonging everywhere
able to rest nowhere

you can let it go
you can walk away
you can say goodbye
you can try to deny
what it’s meant to mean

but what if you’re wrong
what if our song
is still that hum in the shower
on bright mornings
sun pouring in
that carries you through the day
and at night when you sleep
is the soundtrack behind your dreams

true
there’s no pretending
a complete cycle has been fulfilled
we were infants
gorging on magical milk
growing fast & tall & a little stronger
till we exhaled into the night
and from on top of the mountain we knew a god

but you see
there is no one victorious in love
and that light above
is not the moon
it’s not the plasticky reflection from pictures in your wallet
it’s not the flash of incoming calls on your cellphone
and it isn’t the glow from the eyes of the one who wakes in your bed
it’s all in your head
and eventually
like every living thing
it’s dead

as with most dead things
the instinct is to burn & bury
call it a day
run far trying to dull the pain
or write it away
and i’ve done that many times, too
i had my reasons
i knew my intentions
but with you it is different
and i believe there is something new
so even if i’m usually too stubborn or foolish to admit it
i do need you

in winter’s cold throws
the last few cinders combust
their glow fades away
the smoke floats off into the sky
an oak tree
once proud & tall
now elemental carbon
seeping down into the earth
ash mixing with dirt
one last gift of the great oak
to what will become
of the acorn it left behind

“maybe you’ve had the best of me, but…”

for k.

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

i should have plenty of muse these days. after all, i reached the holy grail! i chased that thing that i thought i needed and that would define the next chapter of my life. and i caught it. see, isn’t it gorgeous?

okay, now what?

i’ve written at least three “first posts of the new year” and haven’t published them. i haven’t published much of anything lately. probably won’t publish this. ha! and i haven’t been tweeting profound or comical #sixwords. haven’t been reading too many of the blogs i usually follow. i don’t think i’m depressed, just relatively uninspired. apathetic.

also in a way i feel like i’ve already written it. nothing seems new anymore. i think that’s the downside of knowledge & growth sometimes. unless the answers inspire more questions it seems almost pointless to come to any firm conclusions, at least from an artistic standpoint. and so i have to wonder if i’m just missing the new questions. am i ignoring them? have i forgotten how to listen?

submerged in a mire
obsessed, i sought every distraction…

i know expectations have stolen away some of the magic. expectations from others but mostly my own. i miss the anonymity of writing under pseudonym. i miss the fun and tragic necessity. now i find myself questioning the quality and interpretation of everything i write, so instead of posting i’m just putting them in “the vault.” if i even get that far.

so something has to change. i need new revelation. i need to write for me again. and i need to find that voice again. it’s too late to go back to writing anonymously, although that is very tempting. but that seems like a step backwards instead of forward. no, i think i need to continue my journey right here. i put my name on it so that i couldn’t run, and i won’t.

sorry, i don’t really have any optimistic & heartening words to start off 2012 with. i don’t have any beautiful dreams, tragic romance or painful humanity to paint for you today. and i might not for awhile.

i’m just a boy with an old raggedy leather-bound journal & a dull pencil. sometimes when i sit by the river i jot down words that bloom in my mind like mysterious seedlings, swept here by the wind, caught in a barely moist rocky cold place.

i hope it makes them feel pretty to find a home.

“hold on to everything you own that owns you too…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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