Archives for posts with tag: mazes


i think somewhere beside waterfalls or bear caves or rivers you took a piece of my heart. now you have it with you wherever you are and my only longing is to be reunited with it, to hold you. i don’t want to own you, i just want you to let me love you when you can.

anger
take off our photos we can’t be associated with your lifestyle [that you’re choosing]
i hope things go well for you but i don’t think they will
we’re not rejecting you
you rejected us
i still love you
sadness

i know you’re going to be okay on this journey and a bright success because you’ve proven that you truly love yourself, and by that love you shed light on the path of light & truth for those that can’t see it so clearly.
keep loving yourself and finding new ways to bring more love to yourself and you will always have love for life, others, and this universe of ours that is in a perfect & beautiful balance of order & chaos.
and when it seems like there’s only chaos, remember that you’re not only fighting for yourself but all of us are fighting with you. ❤

i feel like i'm getting sucked back into a race with no finish line. i've tried very hard to insulate myself from this kind of chaos but it's an ongoing struggle. sometimes all we have left is hope. is that enough? how do you hold onto it?

i can't stand being in an office. they're like zoos with caged humans. so i try to break free and go to a park. go somewhere open & free. with sun & breeze.
i can feel when i've lost everything and the only thing to do to survive is go out there and find hope again. nature is full of hope.

the perspective where lips meet glass.

i now have in my sights
that there are new songs to write
new wings take flight

life can be really complicated sometimes, and relationships most of all. or maybe everything is actually really simple, but we get in the way of that. in any case, the only way the writing on the wall could be any clearer [to me] is if it were up in bright blinking neon lights. but sometimes the only way is the hard way.
the truth is i'm not the one with a decision to make. it had already been made for me, long ago, and i've never maintained any different. but i respect the journey of everyone i meet, and these days part of my joy comes from watching what those i love create. except when they create pain, then i'm left in a quandary. cause even pain has its purpose. pain is catalyst for growth & change.

rarely can we protect people from themselves. but we can protect ourselves.

reading it is one thing, but since we only see what we're prepared to see, acceptance is the challenge.

need to write a post about sin. (possibly using an aspect of the nature on the farm)

we have these funny spiders on the farm. actually we have lots of spiders and some aren't as comical as these, but i find these ones amusing because they live in the pine trees and they spin just a line or two down from the branches in the late evening to catch the tiny bugs and moths that fly around at night. in the morning you can watch them reeling up their catch, taking them high up into their webs in the trees. their lines are nearly invisible and it's easy to walk into them by accident but they're really strong. sometimes if you notice one of the spiders it'll appear like they're just floating along in the thin breezy air. until they start to move with a purpose and then you see how agile & in control they are.

psychology is the art of understanding & helping others balance and heal the amalgam of their past & present experiences, surroundings, relationships, emotions and current reality, with the objective of growing in healthy & harmonious ways for a more happy, productive, rewarding & fulfilling future.

children's book with g & m
target demographic
internal issues
conflicts & struggles
what can be understood
coping.relating mechanisms
beneficial concepts
activities & ideas to support
development & acceptance
bullying
tolerance
gender roles & fluidity
love
family structures
not just for children of gay parent(s)
for all children.

sometimes knowledge has a vacuum effect. the more you learn about something the more you find you really know less than when you started.

this babbling brook, my breath it took
when first i saw its ripples
the water so warm
my clothes i'd shorn
and waded right up to my nipples

truth is an expensive freedom,
abundance of want is its cost.

well, you know what it was like growing up in ohio in the 80s i guess…and i grew up in a very small conservative town in an extremely fundamentalist christian family. i tried for a long time to pray the gay away. in the meantime i also wanted to get the hell out of ohio. so when i was 19 i met a woman.


poem/lyrics about my needs & desires – masc & fem – to be held & to hold. gender roles & traits.

i walk along that trail, the slightly overgrown one in a misty autumn forest, where i've walked many times before
it leads down to a pebbly river bank
the waters look serene there,
cascading over bulging mossy boulders
they call to me gently
as if they know my name
as if they have a purpose for me
i wade in up to my heart
and the so well-hidden current engulfs me
it moves me quickly downstream around river-bends
i can't fight it anymore
waterfall

i wish i had a "cemetery" of sorts, where i could place all of the fallen loves of my past to rest in deep graves. no one would have to mow around them, just let the nature engulf the tombs.

i see myself walking up the path to the cow field, the afternoon golden light showering the fields and horizon, showering me. the wind flows across my scarf & hoodie sweater with the cool fall air. i'm staggering a little, cigarette in one hand. loving every second of just being.
a strong earthy voice calls out to me from the porch of the farmhouse as if it were the gravel beneath my feet, "come here you ol'hippie."

the good times we miss
the heat in our chests
the ice on our faces
the passing of time erases
the doubts from my mind
thursday turkey
try to unwind
and the beat is kind
the sun shines on

[b]anal fixation.

little girl asking father how we got down on the rock. as if that's the only question.

someday you might love me.
someday you might realize this was all about learning, openness, acceptance.
someday you might be ready to move on.
relationships never last and they never stay the same. they are born, they are lived, they evolve, and they die. just like the people who are in them. over and over again. sometimes they last a long time. sometimes they're very brief.

it's a walk in the art. you are art. what is your art? a smile could be right around the corner. a hug could be right around the corner. your day is getting brighter. this is for you. you're here among friends. your life is a canvas. paint true. your imagination is soaring. you are your masterpiece. deprogram your mind. conserve. coexist. try new things. question everything. what's the worst that would happen if: you let go of your fears? you saw me as i see you? we learned to tolerate each-other?

when it's not okay, but not as bad as it could be. #lukewarm

i don't want to be brushed & shrugged away with a grimacing face. i did that long enough. fuck that.
i won't pretend to be in an intimate relationship where even basic intimacy is an ongoing daily struggle. i don't have the time, patience or energy for that anymore.

i'm not ready to make plans yet. a lot has happened the past ten days or so and i haven't been sleeping well, i don't feel like myself and i need some space to get a healthier perspective. making sacrifices for the good of a relationship is one thing but losing yourself in it is another and i am not myself right now. i'm moody, anxious, angry, flaking on my friends, not sleeping, feeling very emotionally & sexually frustrated and that's not who i am. i've worked very hard to create a loving, peaceful & tranquil environment and state of mind and i feel like i'm losing that. i'm not breaking up with you, but i need a few days to get back to myself and make sure i'm making the best choices for my happiness & future.

i've already been here. i wasted years of my life here. not sure how i got back here but the scenery is the same and i think it's time to move on before i become a permanent resident.

love is the fruit from the relationship seeds we plant, feed, & care for.

don't just tell me you're sorry, explain to me what happened and what you were thinking at the time. i need to feel reassured that you understand the issues we're having.


when your being is an orchestra, sex is a symphony.

i hope all your dreams come true
i hope no one you love
ever lies to you

perspective is perspective, truth is truth, they are not the same. write about love, and how we never promised eachother anything else. write about writing and write about music. write about faith, write about demons. write about growth and magic. you're letting unresolved anger tell a story that only shadows reality. write about how jealousy is a destroyer.

we can go back for a year
or back years in our head
when you were alive
when you were dead
it follows a trend
the love that you send
the words that you've penned
and in the end there is no end
just another road
with another bend

"here, beneath my lungs…"

by JTW
©2013 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

i don’t depend on people the way others do and i don’t love in any mainstream sense of the term, the way you see in movies or hear about from your great-grandparents. i don’t have the same emotional insecurities i meet in people on a regular basis. i’m very independent emotionally and i can love regardless of gender, age or appearance. i’ve never met a person that had enough room to hold all of my love.

i used to think that conditioning made me this way. after all, if that were true then it could be undone and i could be “normal.” but i’ve been loved by someone who knows me so deeply they can differentiate the nuances of my yawns, and what they mean. that has to be true love and yet it isn’t enough to harness my soul. in fact i buck at such harnesses like a wild bronco who will not be tamed by anyone and yet is tame, and will even let you ride – as long as it’s on an endless white sand beach, bareback, with nothing to grasp onto but its mane and the strength you must summon from your own legs. this is a personal truth i’ve had to come to terms with and is something that has to be accepted by those who choose to stay in my life. unconditional love is the only kind i know to give, and it’s what i must demand.

at one point not that long ago i weighed nearly 300 pounds. i had been yo-yo’ing for years trying everything known to man from atkins’ to stimulants to slimfast. but about two years ago i started consistently losing weight without any effort and without the use of drugs or dieting. i was the type of person that unconsciously gathered & layered insecurities around me. fear & guilt went straight to my hips, so to speak.

i’ve lost almost 100 pounds and for the first time in six years i’m a couple weeks away from being below 200. i can’t express how amazing it feels to be in size 11 & 12 jeans. it feels so good because it is a reflection of how i now feel on the inside. for me, it represents the loss of so much more than inches. it represents the abandonment of fear, anger, regret, codependency, and the acceptance of my true inner being. it’s an outward symbol of letting go of everything; in a sense, dying to what was just a shadow of what truly is.

i have no specific weight-loss goal, i’m just enjoying the release. and when i eventually “plateau” it will be amazing to finally see the physical manifestation of “me” in its most authentic & natural form.

oh, and exercise? i recommend communing with nature at every possible moment and dancing in the middle of the night on your back patio. you have a back patio, right?

i’ve been on more than a few psychiatric medications over the past decade or so. in fact, i used to be a huge proponent of them. i highly recommended their use to anyone else who needed to hide from the real issues and who were too afraid to face certain truths. but that is no longer what i believe. i have been free from psychiatric “medications” for about two years and i don’t think i ever could have accepted the truths i’ve come to know and made the decisions i had to make if i hadn’t stopped them. now i know some who read this will balk at my conclusions and be quick to throw all kinds of scientific data about chemical imbalances and mental/emotional imperfections at me. but i’ve already read them and the fact is it just doesn’t change my personal experience. remember this blog is primarily about my journey and the philosophies that work for me. maybe yours or someone you know is different. that’s certainly likely. however, in my experience there is very little that can’t be truly cured (not just ignored or sedated) by improving one’s lifestyle, accepting certain truths about oneself and life in general, or by something natural that you could grow in the ground & harvest with your own two hands. i’ve now come to believe that, for the most part, to be physically & mentally healthy is intrinsically tied to the authenticity & health of one’s inner being & the universal harmony of one’s belief system.

half the battle of being happy is maintaining the innocence you have when you’re [re]born and the other half is separating the bullshit heaped upon you by well-meaning loved ones & villains alike, from the truth of your own path.

“be yourself, don’t hide…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

i like to sit out on my patio on clear nights and look up at the stars. something in the clarity of their bright luminescence always seems to make me think about the clarity of my own path-past, present & future. somewhere in that contrast between the light & the dark there is a void that i can feel – an expanse of unknowns and alternate possibilities, a place of questions.

in my humble history as a bloggist this is the longest i’ve gone without publishing a new post. my momentum had been slowing for a good six months and at first it bothered me a great deal. i had become accustomed to the nearly manic & constant flow of inspiration of the previous 24 months or so. i had a lot to say, and sometimes i even said it. but then something started to change inside me. all of that time i spent alone, writing and thinking, was like the time a caterpillar spends cocooning in metamorphosis. and when it was over something new emerged, or not something new exactly, for a butterfly is still the same caterpillar, and yet it’s so much more. so i became comfortable with not publishing anything because i was too busy soaring. this was an amazing & beautiful change to the free-fall trajectory i had been in.

in the wake of its transformation a butterfly gets to experience life again from new perspectives, with new adventures, new challenges, and new potential. it felt very much like that to me and i think in order for my story to continue here my environment had to catch up with my inner reconciliations.

one of the most wonderful blessings of what i’ve experienced the past few months is the peace i feel. peace rooted in a kind of universal balance that lets me know everything is okay, everything is perfect. there is wondrous mystery & hope in a starry sky, but each & every star is right where it’s meant to be. so am i, and that’s a huge relief.

so you may be wondering if this new post means my dry-spell is finally over. i guess time will tell. one thing is for sure though: i have a lot more to say. indeed, a lot more needs to be said.

“i’m changin’ everything…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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