Archives for posts with tag: fear

you didn’t call back
so i watched the movie
and fell asleep halfway through it
maybe i’ll finish it tonight
sans red wine (or not)
i slept really well

it was enough
we talked for hours
and it made me happy
the way the spiders do
that cast their lines
from the pine trees
and reel them back in the morning

they’re funny as they blow in the breeze
but they’re strong & they hold on tight;
they drop their lines at night
and reel them back in the morning

it’s such a relief to me
lost your true love,
“missed your soulmate,”
said the gypsy

it takes away all the pressure
easier to be me
and the farther you climb
the more you’ll find i’m a different kind
limbs like a sanctuary
not the moth, i’m the tree
you’ll need a place to stay & be free

i’m funny as i sway with the breeze
but i’m strong and my roots hold tight;
i laugh with the moon at night
and cry with the worms at morning

the farther you climb
the more you’ll find i’m a different kind
limbs like a sanctuary
not the moth, i’m the tree
a place to stay & be free

“when you’re not afraid to stay, i won’t be afraid…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

i’ve been thinking a lot today about how we humans have a funny way of dealing with unbalanced fears & anxieties. we tend to go through this internal dialogue over them that often sabotages our happiness more than it propels us into action that could have truly positive results. it’s a great way to stay exactly where you are.

this morning on “the farm” i was sitting pleasantly with my coffee and watching my daughter ride her bike around in the yard. her shriek snapped me out of a meditation & interrupted the flow of a conversation i was having. there was a snake, a big one!

snakes are actually very peaceful beings for the most part. they typically have no desire to hurt humans and their behavior is rarely aggressive. and yet i have to admit i’m still kind of intimidated by them. so at first i was leery of getting too close. but as we stood there and watched it for awhile i started to appreciate how beautiful it really was and my fear of it slowly dissipated. i think it felt the same way because after a few minutes it just gracefully continued on its path towards a pine tree then slowly up the tree until it stretched out and rested on a low branch. at that point i walked right up beside it and talked to it for a while. (mhmm, yep, i talk to animals. if you don’t you should try it sometime. if nothing else it will probably make you laugh.) that tree is its home during the day.

it wasn’t the first time i’ve seen the snake. a few days ago it was farther down the lane warming itself on the asphalt. i was much more afraid of it then, deliberately going out of my way to stay far away from it and i even grabbed a stick to defend myself lest it jump up & strike me. :ROFL:

but really it’s not that funny at all. our fears that have more basis in potentiality than reality often make us do crazy things like that and give us great emotional turmoil. i’m glad that today when the snake presented itself i was able to hear its true message, which was nothing to fear at all.

snakes are powerful & beautiful creatures that have a transformative life cycle, similar in some ways to the butterfly [and humans]. they don’t hold onto things that weigh them down, they shed them and emerge renewed & sleeker. they are also very balanced, active & cunning in moonlight and peaceful & restorative in sunlight. they perceive life through an uncommon lens and they know how to use all their senses to understand their surroundings on a more comprehensive, balanced level. in their own unique way snakes are very loving.

it actually doesn’t take a lot of strength to overcome fears & anxieties about things that haven’t even happened yet. it just takes the ability to hear your soul’s voice a little louder than the voice of your own unfounded reasoning & doubt. it takes a wider perspective & less narrow belief system.

our hopes & fears are wound tightly together on a spiritual level. when we encounter opportunities our beliefs usually determine whether we move forward or stay the same. our beliefs can only change by changing our perspective. the perspective we need is out there, all around us. sometimes it’s the snake in a tree – a being of love & beauty. whether we accept it as such, well that’s the choice we each make every day.

“it will take more than an argument…so why keep trying?”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

being gay is as normal as it is for the grass to be green and the sky to be blue, that is what i told him, something that i had to learn and accept myself not that long ago.

i have held back a lot of writing, buried it in the vault or tagged it in ambiguous metaphor. but this healing, this relationship, is as much about me as it is about him. it’s inexorably tied to my art & purpose.

relationships are always our greatest mirrors and if we’re honest with ourselves we will uncover the truths & meaning in each and every one of them, be it a parent, a child, a friend, a lover, or a lifelong companion.

nature is fragile but it has a way of persisting, sometimes in the wildest & darkest sanctuaries. we are in our sanctuary, you & me. and they may not understand, they may not approve, and they may judge us. but we will survive because that is who we are and the love we harness every day is the most powerful force in the universe. we’re a team, and i’m so thankful for you.

she has been sick for months but i really didn’t realize the gravity of it until this past week when i got to see her with my own eyes & hold her in my arms.

my sister is one of the strongest people i know, although she doesn’t fully know it herself. she is a single parent of two small children, one of whom is very ill. she works at a stressful job and on top of all that she is going to school to try to make a better life for herself and her family. i don’t think she has any idea how much i admire her strength and i don’t think she realizes how her unconditional love has taught me so much and even possibly saved my life. but i owe her a lot and i hope to somehow repay that debt.

i have the closest thing to a soulmate in you. you are my balance, my truth and many times, my sanity. you are an amazing woman and without you i would never have made it this far. your love is brilliant and everyone who truly knows you has tasted its light. you have been there for me when no one else was at some of the darkest moments i have ever experienced.

our journey could be a 3-part movie already and it’s only in its infancy. or maybe it has come full circle. but that’s the thing with you & me – at the dead-end of each road is a secret little path, an overgrown trail, filled with berry bushes & butterflies. one of us always sees it.

you are an amazing teacher, and probably the only one who knows all that i went through for so long and understands that part of my life from a first-hand perspective, from a front row seat.

even though i’ve not always been the best communicator you never judged me for that, you just kept showing me love and patience while i figured things out on my own. and you never let me forget that there was hope and another way. you kept truth in front of me until i was strong enough to reach out and grab it by myself. you believed in my art.

sometimes you make me laugh inside with the “crazy” things you say. sometimes the truth of what you say stings. and every once in awhile you go just a tad overboard.

but the fact is that we have gone through things that no one else can ever fully understand. and you have been a part of my life for the past ten years that i am grateful for and that no one else could have played as elegantly or profoundly. we will be friends and a support for each-other always. and we will make sure she has the best chance possible.

and you are thousands of miles away now, but with me in my dreams, and a powerful force that leads me by example each day. this past fall, winter & spring you showed me how to love myself and how to live in authenticity & truth despite the shit life throws at us and the people that judge us. you accepted everything about me effortlessly and taught me to wave my freak flag high. you made me believe in the power of spirit, our collective-consciousness and a better world.

all those nights we spent watching crazy movies, painting our nails, reading our cards, talking, supporting each-other, the hikes we took, the drives we took, the scotch we drank – everything we did together – it changed my life in a way i will never forget and that i am deeply thankful for. you are a kindred spirit and i love you like i love my own daughter.

there is so much more to say and it will be said. so many more experiences & people that have touched my life. but as i finish this post a cricket appeared out of nowhere to rest on top of my monitor. he’s just chilling there, no worries, no fear. i’m in my living room.

you see, i live in a place now where there can be no fear, with people just as fearless as this land is. here there is only peace, serenity & love, because that is what our own survival and the universe demands. it’s a fight and it is hard at times. so hard that we just have to burst into laughter sometimes or we’d shrivel up & die. but if you spent a night here by our fire, under these stars, and if you felt the way these mountains hold us, you would know no fear and you would know our love.

you should join us.

“i’ll be here patiently waiting…”

for j, m, d, k, c & r. and for me.

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

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