Archives for posts with tag: facing the real issues

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“leave the people be who love to sing…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

i don’t depend on people the way others do and i don’t love in any mainstream sense of the term, the way you see in movies or hear about from your great-grandparents. i don’t have the same emotional insecurities i meet in people on a regular basis. i’m very independent emotionally and i can love regardless of gender, age or appearance. i’ve never met a person that had enough room to hold all of my love.

i used to think that conditioning made me this way. after all, if that were true then it could be undone and i could be “normal.” but i’ve been loved by someone who knows me so deeply they can differentiate the nuances of my yawns, and what they mean. that has to be true love and yet it isn’t enough to harness my soul. in fact i buck at such harnesses like a wild bronco who will not be tamed by anyone and yet is tame, and will even let you ride – as long as it’s on an endless white sand beach, bareback, with nothing to grasp onto but its mane and the strength you must summon from your own legs. this is a personal truth i’ve had to come to terms with and is something that has to be accepted by those who choose to stay in my life. unconditional love is the only kind i know to give, and it’s what i must demand.

at one point not that long ago i weighed nearly 300 pounds. i had been yo-yo’ing for years trying everything known to man from atkins’ to stimulants to slimfast. but about two years ago i started consistently losing weight without any effort and without the use of drugs or dieting. i was the type of person that unconsciously gathered & layered insecurities around me. fear & guilt went straight to my hips, so to speak.

i’ve lost almost 100 pounds and for the first time in six years i’m a couple weeks away from being below 200. i can’t express how amazing it feels to be in size 11 & 12 jeans. it feels so good because it is a reflection of how i now feel on the inside. for me, it represents the loss of so much more than inches. it represents the abandonment of fear, anger, regret, codependency, and the acceptance of my true inner being. it’s an outward symbol of letting go of everything; in a sense, dying to what was just a shadow of what truly is.

i have no specific weight-loss goal, i’m just enjoying the release. and when i eventually “plateau” it will be amazing to finally see the physical manifestation of “me” in its most authentic & natural form.

oh, and exercise? i recommend communing with nature at every possible moment and dancing in the middle of the night on your back patio. you have a back patio, right?

i’ve been on more than a few psychiatric medications over the past decade or so. in fact, i used to be a huge proponent of them. i highly recommended their use to anyone else who needed to hide from the real issues and who were too afraid to face certain truths. but that is no longer what i believe. i have been free from psychiatric “medications” for about two years and i don’t think i ever could have accepted the truths i’ve come to know and made the decisions i had to make if i hadn’t stopped them. now i know some who read this will balk at my conclusions and be quick to throw all kinds of scientific data about chemical imbalances and mental/emotional imperfections at me. but i’ve already read them and the fact is it just doesn’t change my personal experience. remember this blog is primarily about my journey and the philosophies that work for me. maybe yours or someone you know is different. that’s certainly likely. however, in my experience there is very little that can’t be truly cured (not just ignored or sedated) by improving one’s lifestyle, accepting certain truths about oneself and life in general, or by something natural that you could grow in the ground & harvest with your own two hands. i’ve now come to believe that, for the most part, to be physically & mentally healthy is intrinsically tied to the authenticity & health of one’s inner being & the universal harmony of one’s belief system.

half the battle of being happy is maintaining the innocence you have when you’re [re]born and the other half is separating the bullshit heaped upon you by well-meaning loved ones & villains alike, from the truth of your own path.

“be yourself, don’t hide…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

there are some truths buried so deep inside ourselves that they can only be reached by detonating all of the rock we so meticulously accumulate in hopes of protecting ourselves – when we realize what we thought was a shelter is actually a prison.

i don’t believe anyone has to accept that kind of sentence. but i’ll be the first to admit that the child inside me is content to put bright red-colored curtains over that tiny square barred window & call it my home. truly repressing and totally dismissing memories is an art easily learned as a child. i believe that is where it began and i finally found the proof i had been looking for.

so yes, there are reasons we are who we are that we have absolutely no control over. and that is very scary because the way to deal with them is elusive. we can observe them, we can fight them, we can forget them, we can hide them or we can accept them. we can place them in the forefront and put a sparkly top coat over them for everyone to see. but there is nothing we can do to make it any easier.

i don’t want to be that bitter, angry person that could never find the courage to face the demons left by those that trod on our hearts. i don’t want to keep burning the bridges that propel me forward. going back sometimes isn’t a bad thing. in fact it’s critical if you want to solidify your identity. for humans life seems so linear, but it isn’t at all. it’s organic & we are beautiful, but not without our roots. all the fruit on the tree is dependent on the roots we can’t see, and even what’s beyond that. it has everything to do with our ability to love.

“the harder you look, the more you’ll find…”

an archetype of love & beauty
she came to me
with universal mystery
shaping starry destiny
opening doors & setting free
no treasure map
no lock
no key

time’s true nature is apparent
each snowflake that falls
becomes the ocean
the sky
belonging everywhere
able to rest nowhere

you can let it go
you can walk away
you can say goodbye
you can try to deny
what it’s meant to mean

but what if you’re wrong
what if our song
is still that hum in the shower
on bright mornings
sun pouring in
that carries you through the day
and at night when you sleep
is the soundtrack behind your dreams

there’s no pretending
a complete cycle has been fulfilled
we were infants
gorging on magical milk
growing fast & tall & a little stronger
till we exhaled into the night
and from on top of the mountain we knew a god

but you see
there is no one victorious in love
and that light above
is not the moon
it’s not the plasticky reflection from pictures in your wallet
it’s not the flash of incoming calls on your cellphone
and it isn’t the glow from the eyes of the one who wakes in your bed
it’s all in your head
and eventually
like every living thing
it’s dead

as with most dead things
the instinct is to burn & bury
call it a day
run far trying to dull the pain
or write it away
and i’ve done that many times, too
i had my reasons
i knew my intentions
but with you it is different
and i believe there is something new
so even if i’m usually too stubborn or foolish to admit it
i do need you

in winter’s cold throws
the last few cinders combust
their glow fades away
the smoke floats off into the sky
an oak tree
once proud & tall
now elemental carbon
seeping down into the earth
ash mixing with dirt
one last gift of the great oak
to what will become
of the acorn it left behind

“maybe you’ve had the best of me, but…”

for k.

by JTW
©2012 JTW “” All rights reserved.

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