Archives for posts with tag: existence

a few days ago a friend of mine remarked how unusual it is that i frequently cook “gourmet” meals considering i don’t have an oven/range. he called me a minimalist, which i consider quite a compliment. lol (that day i happened to be making a fresh cherries & honey-glazed ham with roasted herb & garlic red-skinned mashed potatoes and OF COURSE GRAVY!!) it’s amazing what you can do with a toaster oven & slow cooker and how awesome stuff you grow yourself tastes.

i love to coexist with the nature on “the farm.” even as i write this post there’s a groundhog not more than 20 feet away from me perched up on his hind legs holding an apple core in his little hands, munching away at it.

we see a lot of groundhogs and they have elaborate tunnel-homes built all around us. when we first moved here we joked about getting a gun to scare them off, cause that’s what you’re supposed to do right? “you can’t have groundhogs wandering around freely destroying stuff?!” lol that’s such a sad attitude.

groundhogs are adorable actually and i’ve never seen them destroy anything. they’re an important part of the ecosystem here and they provide homes for many other small animals that “lease” space in their tunnels. they are vegetarians and love to eat plants, flowers, roots and wild herbs. and even though we have many of them here they’ve never eaten our vegetables or herbs-they’re very respectful neighbors. if we throw something towards their dens, like that apple core the one was just eating, they will graciously accept it, but they won’t bother the plants we have growing by the house for our meals. isn’t that interesting?

groundhogs are one of those unique creatures that hibernate in the winter, like a death without dying or an alternate state of consciousness. in order to thrive and survive they are completely in-tune with powerful natural & metabolic processes. they balance all their resources in preparation for new awareness & awakening. they are very hospitable, masters of being in the ebb & flow of nature and coexisting with others that are different from them. they are keenly aware of boundaries and adept at creating their own.

even a toaster oven & slow cooker would be considered luxuries in many places. the possessions we have and seek are quite relative to the places we’re from, the cultures in which we exist, and what we are willing to work for, what’s important to us.

is any certain lifestyle, from asceticism to luxury, inherently right or wrong? probably not. but is your particular lifestyle the one YOU chose because it makes YOU feel peaceful, happy & fulfilled?

it doesn’t really matter what other people think you need – find that out within yourself and then insist on it.

[and please try not to run over the little furry groundhogs. they’re just people too.]

“never let your fear decide your fate…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

being gay is as normal as it is for the grass to be green and the sky to be blue, that is what i told him, something that i had to learn and accept myself not that long ago.

i have held back a lot of writing, buried it in the vault or tagged it in ambiguous metaphor. but this healing, this relationship, is as much about me as it is about him. it’s inexorably tied to my art & purpose.

relationships are always our greatest mirrors and if we’re honest with ourselves we will uncover the truths & meaning in each and every one of them, be it a parent, a child, a friend, a lover, or a lifelong companion.

nature is fragile but it has a way of persisting, sometimes in the wildest & darkest sanctuaries. we are in our sanctuary, you & me. and they may not understand, they may not approve, and they may judge us. but we will survive because that is who we are and the love we harness every day is the most powerful force in the universe. we’re a team, and i’m so thankful for you.

she has been sick for months but i really didn’t realize the gravity of it until this past week when i got to see her with my own eyes & hold her in my arms.

my sister is one of the strongest people i know, although she doesn’t fully know it herself. she is a single parent of two small children, one of whom is very ill. she works at a stressful job and on top of all that she is going to school to try to make a better life for herself and her family. i don’t think she has any idea how much i admire her strength and i don’t think she realizes how her unconditional love has taught me so much and even possibly saved my life. but i owe her a lot and i hope to somehow repay that debt.

i have the closest thing to a soulmate in you. you are my balance, my truth and many times, my sanity. you are an amazing woman and without you i would never have made it this far. your love is brilliant and everyone who truly knows you has tasted its light. you have been there for me when no one else was at some of the darkest moments i have ever experienced.

our journey could be a 3-part movie already and it’s only in its infancy. or maybe it has come full circle. but that’s the thing with you & me – at the dead-end of each road is a secret little path, an overgrown trail, filled with berry bushes & butterflies. one of us always sees it.

you are an amazing teacher, and probably the only one who knows all that i went through for so long and understands that part of my life from a first-hand perspective, from a front row seat.

even though i’ve not always been the best communicator you never judged me for that, you just kept showing me love and patience while i figured things out on my own. and you never let me forget that there was hope and another way. you kept truth in front of me until i was strong enough to reach out and grab it by myself. you believed in my art.

sometimes you make me laugh inside with the “crazy” things you say. sometimes the truth of what you say stings. and every once in awhile you go just a tad overboard.

but the fact is that we have gone through things that no one else can ever fully understand. and you have been a part of my life for the past ten years that i am grateful for and that no one else could have played as elegantly or profoundly. we will be friends and a support for each-other always. and we will make sure she has the best chance possible.

and you are thousands of miles away now, but with me in my dreams, and a powerful force that leads me by example each day. this past fall, winter & spring you showed me how to love myself and how to live in authenticity & truth despite the shit life throws at us and the people that judge us. you accepted everything about me effortlessly and taught me to wave my freak flag high. you made me believe in the power of spirit, our collective-consciousness and a better world.

all those nights we spent watching crazy movies, painting our nails, reading our cards, talking, supporting each-other, the hikes we took, the drives we took, the scotch we drank – everything we did together – it changed my life in a way i will never forget and that i am deeply thankful for. you are a kindred spirit and i love you like i love my own daughter.

there is so much more to say and it will be said. so many more experiences & people that have touched my life. but as i finish this post a cricket appeared out of nowhere to rest on top of my monitor. he’s just chilling there, no worries, no fear. i’m in my living room.

you see, i live in a place now where there can be no fear, with people just as fearless as this land is. here there is only peace, serenity & love, because that is what our own survival and the universe demands. it’s a fight and it is hard at times. so hard that we just have to burst into laughter sometimes or we’d shrivel up & die. but if you spent a night here by our fire, under these stars, and if you felt the way these mountains hold us, you would know no fear and you would know our love.

you should join us.

“i’ll be here patiently waiting…”

for j, m, d, k, c & r. and for me.

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

i should have plenty of muse these days. after all, i reached the holy grail! i chased that thing that i thought i needed and that would define the next chapter of my life. and i caught it. see, isn’t it gorgeous?

okay, now what?

i’ve written at least three “first posts of the new year” and haven’t published them. i haven’t published much of anything lately. probably won’t publish this. ha! and i haven’t been tweeting profound or comical #sixwords. haven’t been reading too many of the blogs i usually follow. i don’t think i’m depressed, just relatively uninspired. apathetic.

also in a way i feel like i’ve already written it. nothing seems new anymore. i think that’s the downside of knowledge & growth sometimes. unless the answers inspire more questions it seems almost pointless to come to any firm conclusions, at least from an artistic standpoint. and so i have to wonder if i’m just missing the new questions. am i ignoring them? have i forgotten how to listen?

submerged in a mire
obsessed, i sought every distraction…

i know expectations have stolen away some of the magic. expectations from others but mostly my own. i miss the anonymity of writing under pseudonym. i miss the fun and tragic necessity. now i find myself questioning the quality and interpretation of everything i write, so instead of posting i’m just putting them in “the vault.” if i even get that far.

so something has to change. i need new revelation. i need to write for me again. and i need to find that voice again. it’s too late to go back to writing anonymously, although that is very tempting. but that seems like a step backwards instead of forward. no, i think i need to continue my journey right here. i put my name on it so that i couldn’t run, and i won’t.

sorry, i don’t really have any optimistic & heartening words to start off 2012 with. i don’t have any beautiful dreams, tragic romance or painful humanity to paint for you today. and i might not for awhile.

i’m just a boy with an old raggedy leather-bound journal & a dull pencil. sometimes when i sit by the river i jot down words that bloom in my mind like mysterious seedlings, swept here by the wind, caught in a barely moist rocky cold place.

i hope it makes them feel pretty to find a home.

“hold on to everything you own that owns you too…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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