i need you to understand that which i do not know how to say any more succinctly than this: i just can’t, will not (probably ever) go back there. and i don’t just mean the bad. i mean all of it.
afraid, broken, even selfish – call it whatever you want – it’s probably all of those things and more.
this is from “the vault,” written last summer:
Years of being [messed] with takes its toll. Especially if you’re sensitive to begin with; naive, inexperienced, weak, vulnerable – you get the picture. When the people you looked up to the most were also constantly being [messed] with too, that’s what becomes normal, to you.
If you’re fortunate enough not to either die, turn into an abuser or a recluse, you emerge into “real” life somewhere in your late 20′s, early 30′s like a watermelon plummeting to the ground out of thin air. You’re not ready for it. Plus you have certain characteristics that make it harder to integrate. You’re hyper-sensitive to emotion, you process information lightning fast and you spew the results of all this math into the universe; because you don’t know what else to do with it and there must be a reason. Plus you have some success.
Once you do sort of start to integrate you see everything else that was wrong. You hunger for more, in a race to catch up. You gain momentum along the way. And you become a behemoth that you can no longer control, not that you ever could. People have come with you, people need you, and suddenly you realize – you’re exhausted…
(yes, i do know how to capitalize, if i want to.)
i said at that time that one of the possibilities is that you become a recluse. and the longer this takes the more i see the line between reclusion & freedom narrowing. i’m starting to understand why some people choose that life.
but then i wrote this:
When Gods are children, everything is a diabolical game. The players write the rules, the spectators come & go. Everyone burns out at some point. That’s what the 7th inning stretch is all about. But if you leave at that point, you might never know who wins for sure. You don’t know if there could be a game changer.
and so that is why i carry on. i’m trying to stretch. i don’t expect your patience to last forever. and it shouldn’t, really. the risk is far, far, too great. and you deserve better.
and finally i wrote this:
LIFE is a game created by Milton Bradley in 1860. Originally called “The Checkered Game of Life.” We’re all in it, whether we want to be or not.
I’m the blue car, if anyone wants to come along.
despite everything, the invitation still stands.
“leaving you tomorrow…that’s why i’m easy…” (plus, it is sunday morning…)
©2011 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.