Archives for posts with tag: marriage

i need you to understand that which i do not know how to say any more succinctly than this: i just can’t, will not (probably ever) go back there. and i don’t just mean the bad. i mean all of it.

afraid, broken, even selfish – call it whatever you want – it’s probably all of those things and more.

this is from “the vault,” written last summer:

Years of being [messed] with takes its toll. Especially if you’re sensitive to begin with; naive, inexperienced, weak, vulnerable – you get the picture. When the people you looked up to the most were also constantly being [messed] with too, that’s what becomes normal, to you.

If you’re fortunate enough not to either die, turn into an abuser or a recluse, you emerge into “real” life somewhere in your late 20′s, early 30′s like a watermelon plummeting to the ground out of thin air. You’re not ready for it. Plus you have certain characteristics that make it harder to integrate. You’re hyper-sensitive to emotion, you process information lightning fast and you spew the results of all this math into the universe; because you don’t know what else to do with it and there must be a reason. Plus you have some success.

Once you do sort of start to integrate you see everything else that was wrong. You hunger for more, in a race to catch up. You gain momentum along the way. And you become a behemoth that you can no longer control, not that you ever could. People have come with you, people need you, and suddenly you realize – you’re exhausted…

(yes, i do know how to capitalize, if i want to.)

i said at that time that one of the possibilities is that you become a recluse. and the longer this takes the more i see the line between reclusion & freedom narrowing. i’m starting to understand why some people choose that life.

but then i wrote this:

When Gods are children, everything is a diabolical game. The players write the rules, the spectators come & go. Everyone burns out at some point. That’s what the 7th inning stretch is all about. But if you leave at that point, you might never know who wins for sure. You don’t know if there could be a game changer.

and so that is why i carry on. i’m trying to stretch. i don’t expect your patience to last forever. and it shouldn’t, really. the risk is far, far, too great. and you deserve better.

and finally i wrote this:

LIFE is a game created by Milton Bradley in 1860. Originally called “The Checkered Game of Life.” We’re all in it, whether we want to be or not.

I’m the blue car, if anyone wants to come along.

despite everything, the invitation still stands.

“leaving you tomorrow…that’s why i’m easy…” (plus, it is sunday morning…)

by JTW
©2011 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

your inability to harness your heart weighs on him like a heavy yoke – too much to bear – a single human being cannot bear the burden of becoming your heart’s salvation.

if the pursuit of love at all costs is the focus of your life, then your life will be fraught with pain & loneliness because your lack of willpower will negatively affect all of those you seek affection from. in subtle ways it will drain them like a vampire drains blood.

self-discipline, when it comes to matters of the heart, often feels counter-intuitive. but impulsiveness in love requires an enormous emotional investment with very little hope of repayment. why not hedge your bets?

it’s startlingly ironic how people with “fear of abandonment issues” are so quick to abandon themselves to love at any cost. but the key to gaining self-control and willpower in matters of the heart lies in becoming very acquainted with your needs & goals individually. it’s in preparing yourself to receive & express love in healthy ways, with people that are correspondingly healthy.

step one: get out from under the abusive torment you face now. take back every shred of power & control. “stop walking on eggshells.” this is a critical milestone in reconstructing a heart that is strong and trustworthy.

to fall into a love that can be reciprocated equally, one must have mastered the art of self-love.

“wouldn’t risk it all, this time…”

by JTW
©2010 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

pulled from “the vault”

discontent
won’t relent
it’s overwhelming because
of all the energy she’s spent

trying to hold it in
has caused a drain
when you have no way out
you feel no pain

but still it builds till the fields burn up
and when the fruit all dies
because of his lies and your lies
chaos ensues above children’s cries

so what do you do to fix this now
never to late to raise the plough
the earth is still fertile and the water still falls
grab the shovel and brace the walls

when the sun shines on it
again you’ll see how
the seed can sprout into the tree
and despite of the static movement you face now
when the fruit falls again
then you’ll be free


by JTW
©2010 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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