i still can’t believe that after all that’s happened you remain in such denial. i am stunned that your paradigm has shifted so slightly. what alternate realities you must dwell in. or maybe you just never knew me at all.

because, how is it that after so many years you still can’t read my face? how is it that you couldn’t sense what was going through my mind? moreover, how could you be so uncaring in that moment – with questions of life & death weighing overhead?

it should have been a place of armistice. insult, criticism & selfishness didn’t belong – not in that room.
–

we sat and watched the peaks & valleys blipping across the screen. i didn’t want to be there. no one in their right mind would. what if he said the wrong thing?

five years is a long time for some things, but not long enough. and i can’t help but feel somewhat responsible…after all, you’re 50% made up of me. plus i didn’t always protect you, then. now i can’t protect you as much as i’d like. (but who can we really protect anyway? you’re facing life like the rest of us.)

and you were so brave. laying there, barely breathing. wires & nodes taped across your chest. our eyes met & you smiled at me. it was just like when you smiled at me for the very first time and i made so many silent promises…except this time there was something else. a new understanding.

when it was over we walked slowly down the hallway. we reached the door and you stood up on your tippy-toes to give me a tight hug and tender kiss. it was more meaningful than usual.

i walked outside alone. it was still snowing. but it wasn’t the snowflakes that wetted my cheeks. reality felt both cold & warm in that moment…

you have a special heart.
—

“it gives me the proof that i need…”

by JTW
©2011 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.