Archives for posts with tag: gods

there’s a sort of internal struggle with balance & contrast in a very specific but very large area of my life that has been quite a strain on my most important relationships and my own sense of well-being. sometimes it causes me to act out. sometimes it causes me to send off serious “leave me the hell alone” vibes. other times it’s an addictive obsession.

so for as much as i’ll never let go of certain hermitudinal ways in the interest of self-preservation, i must admit it feels amazing to have more than a couple rooms occupied as of late, extended stay. it may be a bit premature to say, but i always knew this could work, i never lost faith. it’s the future, the next dimension. infinite love repeated all through nature, art & music, you & me, us.

what comes next is the trickier part i suppose. the meshing, the combining. will it blend? will it break? see, it’s not my choice alone. but i do feel stronger and more content, because at least now i know it’s possible. it will happen, someday. settling is definitely not an option.

three, maybe four…who knows, maybe more.

“wait for me, please hang around…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

i like to sit out on my patio on clear nights and look up at the stars. something in the clarity of their bright luminescence always seems to make me think about the clarity of my own path-past, present & future. somewhere in that contrast between the light & the dark there is a void that i can feel – an expanse of unknowns and alternate possibilities, a place of questions.
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in my humble history as a bloggist this is the longest i’ve gone without publishing a new post. my momentum had been slowing for a good six months and at first it bothered me a great deal. i had become accustomed to the nearly manic & constant flow of inspiration of the previous 24 months or so. i had a lot to say, and sometimes i even said it. but then something started to change inside me. all of that time i spent alone, writing and thinking, was like the time a caterpillar spends cocooning in metamorphosis. and when it was over something new emerged, or not something new exactly, for a butterfly is still the same caterpillar, and yet it’s so much more. so i became comfortable with not publishing anything because i was too busy soaring. this was an amazing & beautiful change to the free-fall trajectory i had been in.
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in the wake of its transformation a butterfly gets to experience life again from new perspectives, with new adventures, new challenges, and new potential. it felt very much like that to me and i think in order for my story to continue here my environment had to catch up with my inner reconciliations.

one of the most wonderful blessings of what i’ve experienced the past few months is the peace i feel. peace rooted in a kind of universal balance that lets me know everything is okay, everything is perfect. there is wondrous mystery & hope in a starry sky, but each & every star is right where it’s meant to be. so am i, and that’s a huge relief.

so you may be wondering if this new post means my dry-spell is finally over. i guess time will tell. one thing is for sure though: i have a lot more to say. indeed, a lot more needs to be said.

“i’m changin’ everything…”

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

there are some truths buried so deep inside ourselves that they can only be reached by detonating all of the rock we so meticulously accumulate in hopes of protecting ourselves – when we realize what we thought was a shelter is actually a prison.

i don’t believe anyone has to accept that kind of sentence. but i’ll be the first to admit that the child inside me is content to put bright red-colored curtains over that tiny square barred window & call it my home. truly repressing and totally dismissing memories is an art easily learned as a child. i believe that is where it began and i finally found the proof i had been looking for.

so yes, there are reasons we are who we are that we have absolutely no control over. and that is very scary because the way to deal with them is elusive. we can observe them, we can fight them, we can forget them, we can hide them or we can accept them. we can place them in the forefront and put a sparkly top coat over them for everyone to see. but there is nothing we can do to make it any easier.

i don’t want to be that bitter, angry person that could never find the courage to face the demons left by those that trod on our hearts. i don’t want to keep burning the bridges that propel me forward. going back sometimes isn’t a bad thing. in fact it’s critical if you want to solidify your identity. for humans life seems so linear, but it isn’t at all. it’s organic & we are beautiful, but not without our roots. all the fruit on the tree is dependent on the roots we can’t see, and even what’s beyond that. it has everything to do with our ability to love.
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“the harder you look, the more you’ll find…”

an archetype of love & beauty
she came to me
with universal mystery
shaping starry destiny
opening doors & setting free
no treasure map
no lock
no key

time’s true nature is apparent
each snowflake that falls
becomes the ocean
the sky
us
belonging everywhere
able to rest nowhere

you can let it go
you can walk away
you can say goodbye
you can try to deny
what it’s meant to mean

but what if you’re wrong
what if our song
is still that hum in the shower
on bright mornings
sun pouring in
that carries you through the day
and at night when you sleep
is the soundtrack behind your dreams

true
there’s no pretending
a complete cycle has been fulfilled
we were infants
gorging on magical milk
growing fast & tall & a little stronger
till we exhaled into the night
and from on top of the mountain we knew a god

but you see
there is no one victorious in love
and that light above
is not the moon
it’s not the plasticky reflection from pictures in your wallet
it’s not the flash of incoming calls on your cellphone
and it isn’t the glow from the eyes of the one who wakes in your bed
it’s all in your head
and eventually
like every living thing
it’s dead

as with most dead things
the instinct is to burn & bury
call it a day
run far trying to dull the pain
or write it away
and i’ve done that many times, too
i had my reasons
i knew my intentions
but with you it is different
and i believe there is something new
so even if i’m usually too stubborn or foolish to admit it
i do need you
-

in winter’s cold throws
the last few cinders combust
their glow fades away
the smoke floats off into the sky
an oak tree
once proud & tall
now elemental carbon
seeping down into the earth
ash mixing with dirt
one last gift of the great oak
to what will become
of the acorn it left behind

“maybe you’ve had the best of me, but…”

for k.

by JTW
©2012 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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