regressions to recessions
thank god we have enough time
how much time do we have?
so i fix one thing
while everything else shatters
and while i recover
well just a little bit dies
leave me alone
i have to go searching
traveling in riddles
for more questions
why did we answer so much?
well now we love just a little bit less
recessions to decisions
thank god we have enough time
how much time have we got?
so let’s fix one thing
while everything else shatters
and when we recover
well just a little bit tries
leave me alone
i have to go searching
traveling in riddles
for more questions
why did we answer so much?
well now we love just a little bit less
life holds onto me
and i want to let go
cause now we know
can i go just a little bit crazy,
what if i’m really hungry?
how much time is left
to love just a little bit less?
sometimes i feel like i’m in a race to show my daughter everything it’s taken me so long to learn. i suppose it’s always that way with parents. we don’t want our children to make the mistakes we’ve made and somehow amidst a myriad of failures, the one success that we really think is still possible is to make a positive impression on them. if nothing else, we hold onto the hope that in some way they will struggle just a tiny bit less if we can shove all our “experience” down their throats. lol
and so i find myself repeating the phrases “you’ll understand when you’re older…” or “someday you’ll appreciate all of this…”
and then i kind of chuckle. cause i hear my own parents’ voices echoing in my head and i know if they could hear me saying these same words to my daughter it would bring them satisfaction on some level.
well the fact is she may not entirely “get it” right now but that’s okay. my goal isn’t to change her or create a life that she must live for. she is her own person, with her own set of developing dreams, fears, idiosyncrasies, beliefs, etc. all i hope is to give her fond memories so that when life knocks her down she’ll have some things to look back on and maybe some of what has helped me cope will help her carry on as well.
children aren’t our possessions and we shouldn’t treat them like clay that we get to make into whatever we want & then fire in a kiln & paint, like some ceramic we think is pretty to look at. we should rejoice in their freedom & the possibilities they bring into the world, guide them when it’s appropriate and mostly just love them with everything we’ve got. we shouldn’t expect them to make up for where we’ve erred or what we didn’t have.
and if they happen to end up loving music, nature hikes, long drives to nowhere and mexican food, well then yay! those are just bonus.
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the longer i keep writing the more i realize how personal it is, for me at least. even when i’ve written on commission they’re still very personal on some level.
when i try to start writing what i think someone else wants to see from me it makes me shut down. it stops up all the creative energy that is usually free flowing when i’m writing what i’m truly meant to write.
and i require a great deal of personal time (and space) in order to cultivate that energy because i refuse to submit my readers (or myself) to clichéd or half-hearted imitations at poetry & prose. my voice is my voice. so if you want to hear someone else’s voice because that’s what does it for you then go listen or read them. that’s not me and i can only be me. what i write is about my journey and the influences others have had on it. when the ink dries, even if it’s totally fiction, it’s still about my journey and i take pride in truly “owning” it.
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woke up one day hating
the life you lived in lies
tried to change it all at once
wretched & despised
but even accidents have consequences
and some things you can’t get back
so you fight with all your circumstances
chasing what you lack
then shed a tear or two
as the realization takes its hold
there’s no such thing as easy
and all that’s new grows old
cause the balance found is fleeting
for everyone standing here
and center is just an illusion
when your home’s atop a sphere
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yeah, so i’m finally ready to accept it. and i’m going to put it right out here in front of everyone and when i forget, it’s up to you to remind me…deal? here goes: there are some external factors that we will NEVER, NOT EVER, be able to change. period.
that’s part one.
part two is: we can ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT, change our perspective.
and that’s exactly what i did today when we got lost in the middle of an enormous forest on top of a huge mountain. we walked for miles, quite literally and i loved every second. i reconnected up there, as i’ve done many times before. and somewhere along the trail i found how to change my perspective; how to let the uncontrollable external mesh with the screaming voice inside my soul.
so now that i can see it, all that’s left is to do it.
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life has a way of testing our convictions and it’s been toying with me quite a bit lately. this is the first time in a long time that i can recall fighting with depression in the spring & summer. usually it just hits me in the fall & winter and it hasn’t been that bad the last few years even in those seasons. i’ve used a light box nearly every morning for thirty minutes for the past six or seven years. that got me off all the depression meds and helped me to feel pretty energetic.
but this is different. it doesn’t have anything to do with chemical imbalance or circadian rhythms. it doesn’t have anything to do with the weather or the sunshine. this depression is striking me from somewhere deep & frightening.
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when you look at everything we face on a daily basis it’s no surprise that we live in a world that runs on fear & gasoline. (i used to think it was sex & gasoline, but that was a different post altogether, from a different perspective.)
every institution from politics to entertainment to religion & the markets is laced with fear. and it reeks from the pores of those who subscribe & rely so heavily on such things.
i’ve tried to run away from that black hole and stay focused on love, enlightenment and truth. and yet we all must exist in this world. sure, i could abandon everything & everyone, flee to the rainforest and live with the “tree people.” but i’ve decided that would be selfish and only a temporary fix. so i’m going to stay right here and fight. i’ll fight this fear, this economy, all of it. with everything i write and everything i do. it might not be the way you’d do it, but it’s what i have. if you use what you’ve got, just maybe we’ll have a fighting chance.
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depression is the devil. it’s debilitating and not only does it hurt us, it causes us to lash out and hurt people we love. each of us individually – there are so many of us – has to find a way to conquer it the best we can.
i’m still discovering how to fight this new depression i’m facing. i know a lot of it has to do with holding back self-expression and seeing myself in a very scary place financially that i had never faced before. but i’ve also seen glimpses of the bigger picture. and i have hope, faith & love – gobs of those – which are the truest antidote for depression. so even though it’s a struggle, i claw my way out from under the sheets every day and try to change just one thing that’s wrong with my immediate situation. (today it was trying to get a glitch at the bank cleared up. there was tons of red tape, but i succeeded. tomorrow it will be something else, “sales report hell” most likely.)
i know we can’t change people. truly, we can’t even know anyone outside of our own perspective, so how could we change them. but i will try to stay awake and not give up. and if others do the same then maybe slowly, maybe with loud enough voices, we’ll change the world, one awake person at a time.
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