Archives for category: random

sometimes i feel like i’m in a race to show my daughter everything it’s taken me so long to learn. i suppose it’s always that way with parents. we don’t want our children to make the mistakes we’ve made and somehow amidst a myriad of failures, the one success that we really think is still possible is to make a positive impression on them. if nothing else, we hold onto the hope that in some way they will struggle just a tiny bit less if we can shove all our “experience” down their throats. lol

and so i find myself repeating the phrases “you’ll understand when you’re older…” or “someday you’ll appreciate all of this…”

and then i kind of chuckle. cause i hear my own parents’ voices echoing in my head and i know if they could hear me saying these same words to my daughter it would bring them satisfaction on some level.

well the fact is she may not entirely “get it” right now but that’s okay. my goal isn’t to change her or create a life that she must live for. she is her own person, with her own set of developing dreams, fears, idiosyncrasies, beliefs, etc. all i hope is to give her fond memories so that when life knocks her down she’ll have some things to look back on and maybe some of what has helped me cope will help her carry on as well.

children aren’t our possessions and we shouldn’t treat them like clay that we get to make into whatever we want & then fire in a kiln & paint, like some ceramic we think is pretty to look at. we should rejoice in their freedom & the possibilities they bring into the world, guide them when it’s appropriate and mostly just love them with everything we’ve got. we shouldn’t expect them to make up for where we’ve erred or what we didn’t have.

and if they happen to end up loving music, nature hikes, long drives to nowhere and mexican food, well then yay! those are just bonus.

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the longer i keep writing the more i realize how personal it is, for me at least. even when i’ve written on commission they’re still very personal on some level.

when i try to start writing what i think someone else wants to see from me it makes me shut down. it stops up all the creative energy that is usually free flowing when i’m writing what i’m truly meant to write.

and i require a great deal of personal time (and space) in order to cultivate that energy because i refuse to submit my readers (or myself) to clichéd or half-hearted imitations at poetry & prose. my voice is my voice. so if you want to hear someone else’s voice because that’s what does it for you then go listen or read them. that’s not me and i can only be me. what i write is about my journey and the influences others have had on it. when the ink dries, even if it’s totally fiction, it’s still about my journey and i take pride in truly “owning” it.

woke up one day hating
the life you lived in lies
tried to change it all at once
wretched & despised

but even accidents have consequences
and some things you can’t get back
so you fight with all your circumstances
chasing what you lack

then shed a tear or two
as the realization takes its hold
there’s no such thing as easy
and all that’s new grows old

cause the balance found is fleeting
for everyone standing here
and center is just an illusion
when your home’s atop a sphere
-

yeah, so i’m finally ready to accept it. and i’m going to put it right out here in front of everyone and when i forget, it’s up to you to remind me…deal? here goes: there are some external factors that we will NEVER, NOT EVER, be able to change. period.

that’s part one.

part two is: we can ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT, change our perspective.

and that’s exactly what i did today when we got lost in the middle of an enormous forest on top of a huge mountain. we walked for miles, quite literally and i loved every second. i reconnected up there, as i’ve done many times before. and somewhere along the trail i found how to change my perspective; how to let the uncontrollable external mesh with the screaming voice inside my soul.

so now that i can see it, all that’s left is to do it.

“i’ll be holding all the tickets…”

by JTW
©2011 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

i’ve been kinda distracted the past week or so with strange personal growth that i’ll share more with you later. rest assured i’ve been writing.

i pulled this one out of the vault to post today because it’s freaking hot out and #maybetheresmoretoit.

refreshingly so
just to let you know
get up or stay
peer in deeper
or go

maybe you know many
i haven’t really found any
world rivals written by pen
intellectual stimulation
equalized ken

with no explanation needed
casually written
easily heeded

stepping stones
along the way
freezer pop flavors
for a hot summer day

“going down swinging…”

by JTW
©2011 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

it’s one of those nights where there’s just way too much color. so much that it all goes white. when that happens i have to pull layers off until there’s some contrast again.

it made me laugh so hard at first. then after i thought about it awhile it just made me kind of sad.

really? you think that’s what this is about? all those things i said that day and wrote before led you to that conclusion?

:sigh:

that is exactly the opposite of the truth. everything i told you came from one place. everything i believe comes from that same place.

stop trying to make sense out of it within the field of your vision. next time you see me…look a little closer into my eyes.
-

i wonder what the neighbors thought
peering out their windows
while we skipped down the street

we held hands and ran
we jumped over imaginary fences
we laughed so hard
and i twirled you over & over

we took the secret way back
hiding from imaginary monsters
darting through the trees
when we reached the bushes i picked you up
and dashed through them with you in my arms
into the backyard and then into the kitchen
i kept holding you
and we danced
’round & ’round & ’round
till we were both so dizzy we couldn’t stand

this was just for us
-

sometimes i find that patch, the one i made when we left. it makes me wonder if you think i ever loved you. i wonder if you think of me at all. i wonder if i should write. i wonder what i’d say. and whether it would do any good at all or just make it worse. i’ll never forget, that much i know. and i think you’ve tried hard to forget. so i don’t write. i don’t call. i just watch. you have so much to do and i don’t want to mess with that. but i do miss you. i will for a long time. maybe forever.
-

i’m an expert compartmentalizer. no, it’s not a man thing. well, maybe to some extent. but i’m particularly well-versed in the art. (and i know women that are just as adept, lol.)

funny thing is, i haven’t figured out where this goes yet. see, i start to put it over here…then something changes and i start to move it over there. and then something else happens and the little forklift dude inside me starts shifting directions again.

i’m looking for something and i know what it is. i think i could even articulate it. but for now i just want to see where this fits. in a way i think i’m hoping you’ll help me decide. but i’m guessing you’re not sure either.

it’s an internal debate i have going on – whether an impasse is the absolute worse thing. i tend to think it is. or rather, i tend to believe it’s simply not possible. at some point one of us will crack. but maybe if we crack together, at the same time, just blurt out what we haven’t said…maybe that’s the way to go. 3…2…1…?
-

six months. for a long time. six months. down every road that is the most we get. that’s a harsh reality. one i try not to focus on too often.

what can be accomplished in six months? some people don’t even get that so guess i should be grateful. plus maybe that’s our lifeblood, in a way. or at least what keeps this wheel turning. it could certainly be worse. could it be better?

what’s the opposite of meantime? primary time?

i digress.

so the color wheel spins, slows briefly. there are some flashes we can recognize. some bits & pieces, old hues & new, to reminisce, to appreciate.

some days are easier than others.

“every dream inside my soul…”

by JTW
©2011 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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