i slept so much the last two days. didn’t get up until after 2 pm both of ‘em. sleep really does wonders for the mood even though most of the time i keep vampire’s hours and then i just run on caffeine and adrenaline and other various stimulants.
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there really is no point to this post. there’s no epic update. no beautiful words. no pain. really it’s all just a bit meh right now. all a bit waiting. and i decided that was post-worthy because it’s real & true to life. sometimes life is waiting. waiting for the school bus, waiting for the coffee to brew, waiting for the line to move, waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting is a big part of life.
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28 days. it doesn’t sound like much but it hasn’t moved fast. so i drop another letter in the box and sign it with love. that’s all i can do. and throw in a twenty cause i know what it feels like.
and some things are just too complicated. better wait till we’re in person. better wait till all the answers can be questioned and all the questions can’t be answered. and around & around we’ll go. but i have some things to say before, ya know?
and you’ll get what you want. but it’ll be when i’m good & ready. and soonish. cause it is all just a bit meh right now. and i hate meh.
let’s see…what else? oh yeah, i’m glad vacation is over. i missed the commiseration. and size is overrated. among other things.
and then i guess pretzel & pepperoni sandwiches about sums it up. so yeah, thanks for visiting. until next time.
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and so now i can feel it a little bit
heading in the right direction
summer can suck it
choke on affection
sunny days are overrated
rainfall’s under-appreciated
and this house is dilapidated
but my frustration’s abated
temporarily satiated
a conversation’s worth at least a thousand
so talk me down
talk me way way down
and i’ll jump in a pile of green leaves
just for the familiar thrill of it
then i’ll rake them up
to do it all over again
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don’t worry, i won’t call
i won’t even text
i’ll leave it at this
okay but wait
just one thing
while you’re searching
for that love
forever & true
have you noticed what it’s doing
i mean
what’s to become of you
yeah yeah
take great care
and i hope you’ll find everything
and that you’ll be very very happy
in the meantime
i would have carried it for awhile
let your back rest
and once he came
would’ve wished you the best
or maybe
well there could have been lots of questions
but i guess you already found
one answer
and that was enough
or too much
so afraid of anything
without knowing everything
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sometimes i feel like i’m in a race to show my daughter everything it’s taken me so long to learn. i suppose it’s always that way with parents. we don’t want our children to make the mistakes we’ve made and somehow amidst a myriad of failures, the one success that we really think is still possible is to make a positive impression on them. if nothing else, we hold onto the hope that in some way they will struggle just a tiny bit less if we can shove all our “experience” down their throats. lol
and so i find myself repeating the phrases “you’ll understand when you’re older…” or “someday you’ll appreciate all of this…”
and then i kind of chuckle. cause i hear my own parents’ voices echoing in my head and i know if they could hear me saying these same words to my daughter it would bring them satisfaction on some level.
well the fact is she may not entirely “get it” right now but that’s okay. my goal isn’t to change her or create a life that she must live for. she is her own person, with her own set of developing dreams, fears, idiosyncrasies, beliefs, etc. all i hope is to give her fond memories so that when life knocks her down she’ll have some things to look back on and maybe some of what has helped me cope will help her carry on as well.
children aren’t our possessions and we shouldn’t treat them like clay that we get to make into whatever we want & then fire in a kiln & paint, like some ceramic we think is pretty to look at. we should rejoice in their freedom & the possibilities they bring into the world, guide them when it’s appropriate and mostly just love them with everything we’ve got. we shouldn’t expect them to make up for where we’ve erred or what we didn’t have.
and if they happen to end up loving music, nature hikes, long drives to nowhere and mexican food, well then yay! those are just bonus.
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the longer i keep writing the more i realize how personal it is, for me at least. even when i’ve written on commission they’re still very personal on some level.
when i try to start writing what i think someone else wants to see from me it makes me shut down. it stops up all the creative energy that is usually free flowing when i’m writing what i’m truly meant to write.
and i require a great deal of personal time (and space) in order to cultivate that energy because i refuse to submit my readers (or myself) to clichéd or half-hearted imitations at poetry & prose. my voice is my voice. so if you want to hear someone else’s voice because that’s what does it for you then go listen or read them. that’s not me and i can only be me. what i write is about my journey and the influences others have had on it. when the ink dries, even if it’s totally fiction, it’s still about my journey and i take pride in truly “owning” it.
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woke up one day hating
the life you lived in lies
tried to change it all at once
wretched & despised
but even accidents have consequences
and some things you can’t get back
so you fight with all your circumstances
chasing what you lack
then shed a tear or two
as the realization takes its hold
there’s no such thing as easy
and all that’s new grows old
cause the balance found is fleeting
for everyone standing here
and center is just an illusion
when your home’s atop a sphere
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yeah, so i’m finally ready to accept it. and i’m going to put it right out here in front of everyone and when i forget, it’s up to you to remind me…deal? here goes: there are some external factors that we will NEVER, NOT EVER, be able to change. period.
that’s part one.
part two is: we can ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT, change our perspective.
and that’s exactly what i did today when we got lost in the middle of an enormous forest on top of a huge mountain. we walked for miles, quite literally and i loved every second. i reconnected up there, as i’ve done many times before. and somewhere along the trail i found how to change my perspective; how to let the uncontrollable external mesh with the screaming voice inside my soul.
so now that i can see it, all that’s left is to do it.
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