listen to your voice.
one of the biggest challenges i’ve faced lately as a writer & poet has been being able to identify and tap into my most authentic voice throughout all of the recent changes in my life – externally, in my environment, and internally, with the changes in my belief system. and because of this i’ve discovered that, when your voice demands change, all you can do is wait for the rest of you to catch up.

i thought i left it cracked open – i never meant to be the one to shut the door completely. i distanced myself, that is true, but i did that mostly for you because i knew it would be easier on you. and part of me needed a wide birth to make mistakes and learn about this new wide world. but i figured once things settled down a little you would come back to me. i thought you would spend the time trying to learn and understand. i thought you would set aside prejudice and give yourself a chance to grow, just as i have.

part of the reason i created this website in the first place was so that you could see what i was going through from afar, stay connected to me in a passive way that wouldn’t put you in too much risk of being ostracized by our family, etc. i see now that it wasn’t enough and i don’t even know if you bother to read this anymore – it’s probably too hard on you. and it hardly matters, i’ve barely posted anything here for over a year.

but the fact is i know someone has read this. and someone will read this. i know someone out there needs to read it and is searching for it. i’m grateful because i know it’s never been a waste of my time & energy. besides the truths it has helped me to find, it has given others insight into their own truths. and really that was all it was ever meant to do.
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in another week i’ll be thirty-one. in poet years that’s middle-age. i guess that’s why it feels so strange. to be this age and to reflect on the path of my life feels somewhat like wandering through a world created by tim burton – surreal & magical, but with a fair share of what looks like darkness on the surface to passersby.

i’ve had dreams come true, i’ve lost everything, i’ve loved & been loved, i’ve traveled, i’ve worked my ass off, i’ve been lazy, i’ve burnt in the fires, and i’ve been reborn – to be honest there isn’t much about it i would change, for each experience brought challenges & rewards that ultimately helped me to understand & accept the fundamental happiness and peace that had always been right under my nose, waiting.

but one thing i didn’t fully realize is that creating happiness & peace comes at great cost. if you choose to do it there will be casualties, and once you’ve attained it you won’t really know what to do with it or how to feel about it. and if you’re a poet or artist you will miss some of the very things that drove you to seek it out in the first place. this in itself is a new challenge, but one i’m willing to embrace because it feeds my will to stick around a little longer. and despite everything wrong with it, i still love life & the human experience. i love our beautiful tragedy, and our hope.
-

would it have been easier on all of us if i wasn’t gay? without a doubt. it would have made it easier for you to justify staying close to me, and it would have allowed me to save the relationships that have been most important to me my entire life.

the thing is, the loss of you in my life hasn’t, for even a second, made me wish i wasn’t gay. it hasn’t made me hate myself or want to be someone else. on the contrary, it has opened my eyes to so much that i may have never realized if i were straight. it has forced me to see religion, guilt & fear for what they are and destroy the power they had over me. and it made me see love for what it is, what it should be, and what it can be. ironically, being gay has made me come to know god. some of you, gay, straight or other, will know what i mean by this.

and that is at the root of where my voice is demanding i go now. in order to do this i’ve had to let go of some things, and accept new things. i’ve had to allow an exchange to take place. and i suppose i had to let enough time pass to experience the fall-out and resolutions.

now my authentic voice is emerging from a new place, and instead of trying to fight it or spend my energy mourning what was, i’m determined to fully throw myself into what is. i have nothing left to lose, and everything to gain. and i want to build something extraordinary & beautiful from what i have already gained. for me, this is not only a new chapter, but a new book entirely.

if you still visit here and are reading this i want to leave you with one piece of the puzzle that has taken me a long time to grasp. it’s very simple, and it is this: we will only accept, create & express that which we believe we truly deserve and are capable of. if it’s love, we will only accept the love we believe we deserve and are willing to work for. if it’s a career, we’ll only be as successful as we believe we deserve to be and only if we never stop trying. if it’s a dream, we’ll only fulfill those dreams that we believe should be fulfilled. the key to it in any context is your belief.

but it is your belief, and the power anyone (or any thing) wields over it is limited – it will only stretch so far. the rest, as they say, is truly up to you.

“i’m sorry that i couldn’t get to you…”

by JTW
©2013 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.


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i think somewhere beside waterfalls or bear caves or rivers you took a piece of my heart. now you have it with you wherever you are and my only longing is to be reunited with it, to hold you. i don’t want to own you, i just want you to let me love you when you can.
-

anger
take off our photos we can’t be associated with your lifestyle [that you're choosing]
i hope things go well for you but i don’t think they will
we’re not rejecting you
you rejected us
i still love you
sadness
-

i know you’re going to be okay on this journey and a bright success because you’ve proven that you truly love yourself, and by that love you shed light on the path of light & truth for those that can’t see it so clearly.
keep loving yourself and finding new ways to bring more love to yourself and you will always have love for life, others, and this universe of ours that is in a perfect & beautiful balance of order & chaos.
and when it seems like there’s only chaos, remember that you’re not only fighting for yourself but all of us are fighting with you. <3
-

i feel like i'm getting sucked back into a race with no finish line. i've tried very hard to insulate myself from this kind of chaos but it's an ongoing struggle. sometimes all we have left is hope. is that enough? how do you hold onto it?
-

i can't stand being in an office. they're like zoos with caged humans. so i try to break free and go to a park. go somewhere open & free. with sun & breeze.
i can feel when i've lost everything and the only thing to do to survive is go out there and find hope again. nature is full of hope.
-

the perspective where lips meet glass.
-

i now have in my sights
that there are new songs to write
new wings take flight
-

life can be really complicated sometimes, and relationships most of all. or maybe everything is actually really simple, but we get in the way of that. in any case, the only way the writing on the wall could be any clearer [to me] is if it were up in bright blinking neon lights. but sometimes the only way is the hard way.
the truth is i'm not the one with a decision to make. it had already been made for me, long ago, and i've never maintained any different. but i respect the journey of everyone i meet, and these days part of my joy comes from watching what those i love create. except when they create pain, then i'm left in a quandary. cause even pain has its purpose. pain is catalyst for growth & change.
-

rarely can we protect people from themselves. but we can protect ourselves.
-

reading it is one thing, but since we only see what we're prepared to see, acceptance is the challenge.
-

need to write a post about sin. (possibly using an aspect of the nature on the farm)
-

we have these funny spiders on the farm. actually we have lots of spiders and some aren't as comical as these, but i find these ones amusing because they live in the pine trees and they spin just a line or two down from the branches in the late evening to catch the tiny bugs and moths that fly around at night. in the morning you can watch them reeling up their catch, taking them high up into their webs in the trees. their lines are nearly invisible and it's easy to walk into them by accident but they're really strong. sometimes if you notice one of the spiders it'll appear like they're just floating along in the thin breezy air. until they start to move with a purpose and then you see how agile & in control they are.
-

psychology is the art of understanding & helping others balance and heal the amalgam of their past & present experiences, surroundings, relationships, emotions and current reality, with the objective of growing in healthy & harmonious ways for a more happy, productive, rewarding & fulfilling future.
-

children's book with g & m
target demographic
internal issues
conflicts & struggles
what can be understood
coping.relating mechanisms
beneficial concepts
activities & ideas to support
development & acceptance
bullying
tolerance
gender roles & fluidity
love
family structures
not just for children of gay parent(s)
for all children.
-

sometimes knowledge has a vacuum effect. the more you learn about something the more you find you really know less than when you started.
-

this babbling brook, my breath it took
when first i saw its ripples
the water so warm
my clothes i'd shorn
and waded right up to my nipples
-

truth is an expensive freedom,
abundance of want is its cost.
-

well, you know what it was like growing up in ohio in the 80s i guess…and i grew up in a very small conservative town in an extremely fundamentalist christian family. i tried for a long time to pray the gay away. in the meantime i also wanted to get the hell out of ohio. so when i was 19 i met a woman.
-


-

poem/lyrics about my needs & desires – masc & fem – to be held & to hold. gender roles & traits.
-

i walk along that trail, the slightly overgrown one in a misty autumn forest, where i've walked many times before
it leads down to a pebbly river bank
the waters look serene there,
cascading over bulging mossy boulders
they call to me gently
as if they know my name
as if they have a purpose for me
i wade in up to my heart
and the so well-hidden current engulfs me
it moves me quickly downstream around river-bends
i can't fight it anymore
waterfall
-

i wish i had a "cemetery" of sorts, where i could place all of the fallen loves of my past to rest in deep graves. no one would have to mow around them, just let the nature engulf the tombs.
-

i see myself walking up the path to the cow field, the afternoon golden light showering the fields and horizon, showering me. the wind flows across my scarf & hoodie sweater with the cool fall air. i'm staggering a little, cigarette in one hand. loving every second of just being.
a strong earthy voice calls out to me from the porch of the farmhouse as if it were the gravel beneath my feet, "come here you ol'hippie."
-

the good times we miss
the heat in our chests
the ice on our faces
the passing of time erases
the doubts from my mind
thursday turkey
try to unwind
and the beat is kind
the sun shines on
-

[b]anal fixation.
-

little girl asking father how we got down on the rock. as if that's the only question.
-

someday you might love me.
someday you might realize this was all about learning, openness, acceptance.
someday you might be ready to move on.
relationships never last and they never stay the same. they are born, they are lived, they evolve, and they die. just like the people who are in them. over and over again. sometimes they last a long time. sometimes they're very brief.
-

it's a walk in the art. you are art. what is your art? a smile could be right around the corner. a hug could be right around the corner. your day is getting brighter. this is for you. you're here among friends. your life is a canvas. paint true. your imagination is soaring. you are your masterpiece. deprogram your mind. conserve. coexist. try new things. question everything. what's the worst that would happen if: you let go of your fears? you saw me as i see you? we learned to tolerate each-other?
-

when it's not okay, but not as bad as it could be. #lukewarm
-

i don't want to be brushed & shrugged away with a grimacing face. i did that long enough. fuck that.
i won't pretend to be in an intimate relationship where even basic intimacy is an ongoing daily struggle. i don't have the time, patience or energy for that anymore.
-

i'm not ready to make plans yet. a lot has happened the past ten days or so and i haven't been sleeping well, i don't feel like myself and i need some space to get a healthier perspective. making sacrifices for the good of a relationship is one thing but losing yourself in it is another and i am not myself right now. i'm moody, anxious, angry, flaking on my friends, not sleeping, feeling very emotionally & sexually frustrated and that's not who i am. i've worked very hard to create a loving, peaceful & tranquil environment and state of mind and i feel like i'm losing that. i'm not breaking up with you, but i need a few days to get back to myself and make sure i'm making the best choices for my happiness & future.
-

i've already been here. i wasted years of my life here. not sure how i got back here but the scenery is the same and i think it's time to move on before i become a permanent resident.
-

love is the fruit from the relationship seeds we plant, feed, & care for.
-

don't just tell me you're sorry, explain to me what happened and what you were thinking at the time. i need to feel reassured that you understand the issues we're having.
-


-

when your being is an orchestra, sex is a symphony.
-

i hope all your dreams come true
i hope no one you love
ever lies to you
-

perspective is perspective, truth is truth, they are not the same. write about love, and how we never promised eachother anything else. write about writing and write about music. write about faith, write about demons. write about growth and magic. you're letting unresolved anger tell a story that only shadows reality. write about how jealousy is a destroyer.

we can go back for a year
or back years in our head
when you were alive
when you were dead
it follows a trend
the love that you send
the words that you've penned
and in the end there is no end
just another road
with another bend

"here, beneath my lungs…"

by JTW
©2013 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.


still out there, still out of reach
dug in, dug in deep
wetted down for weeks & weeks
but the storms just wouldn’t breach

darkness followed by depression
like a coloring book’s way of confession
nannies & crooks, a weekly obsession
do your best to repress the effects of repression

real or fake, what if the give don’t take
rinse repeat for a fix won’t break
love, passion, true romance
more than our fair share left to chance

what if it’s all a ruse
what have you got left to lose
was it up to us to choose
is it something new to prove

big blue eyes with an eccentric streak
back in the day when they used to speak
before the silly quirks became such dangerous freaks
a heart wide open and the truth it seeks

real or fake, what if the give don’t take
rinse repeat for a fix won’t break
love, passion, true romance
more than our fair share left to chance

what if it’s all a ruse
what have you got left to lose
was it up to us to choose
is it something new to prove

“oh i tell you something more, while my brain is bleeding for…”

by JTW
©2013 JTW “jtwhitaker.com” All rights reserved.

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